An Open Letter To You.

Dear You (actual name withheld…):
I recently read this wonderful quote: If you feel it, say it. I must have read it at the perfect moment in my life because here I am, doing something I’m not quite sure I should be doing, but knowing I’d hate myself for it in the long run if I didn’t.

Maybe I shouldn’t even be doing this. Is this even me, sitting here typing these words and feeling a sort of boldness I never felt before? Apparently, it is. Is it right? Is it wrong? I’m not sure I have an answer (maybe there’s not one…), but I do feel it, so instead of saying it, I’ll settle for writing about it for now.

I know deep down that the old me wouldn’t even consider writing these words. But now, I don’t care, and ironically, you have a lot to do with my new sense of boldness even if you have no idea. Don’t worry, I’m not going to say anything to you. That would just create an even more awkward mess, and honestly, I think I’ve created one already. But sometimes I do want to say it to you. In one of those big, sweeping romantic-comedy gestures, I just want to blurt out “I think I like you…”. And all the time, not just sometimes, I wonder what you’d say.
I know I could never – and maybe should never – say these things to you, but nonetheless, they deserve to at least leap out of my heart because I’ve been feeling them for far too long to keep them hidden away.

OK. Here. I Go.

Whether you know it or not, it meant something to me. This last year? It had a sort of magical quality to it.
You made me laugh, at times when I really needed some laughter in my life. You helped me relax and just live in the moment. It was refreshing how you just let me be myself. I’d never really done that before. Whether you know it or not, you’ve changed me. In a good way. For the first time in my entire life, I felt like I didn’t have to hide anything whenever I was around you.

I’m not sure how much of my feelings you know about. Even I’m not sure if they’re feelings exactly. You know how people talk of feeling a spark or a flurry of chemistry? Yes, that’s sort of what I feel for you. I don’t know what it is, but on my end? Well, there’s something there. Sometimes I think it’s better if you don’t know. Sometimes, I just want to tell you everything and just let go, you know?

But I am certain of one thing: I owe you an enormous thank you. Thank you for the way you’d look in my eyes sometimes and that comforting smile you’d get on your face when you’d laugh (and, surprisingly, I did make you laugh, so thanks for that boost of confidence, too)…those images will always make me smile. I just smile right now when I thought of you as I was writing that last sentence.
I just hope that somehow, someway, you know how much of an impact you’ve had on my life. I’m starting to feel happy again, and I think you’re a huge part of the reason I am more confident, why I’m not finding it as difficult to be myself these days, why I feel like maybe, perhaps, just a little bit I’m not such a hopeless case anymore.

And yes, like most of the things I do in my life, I know the timing of this isn’t exactly perfect. I know you’re with her. And yes, in the back of my mind, I know a you and me in the relationship sense is out of the question. It would never in a million years work. It could never work. It would probably end before it even started. Maybe we’re just too different. Or maybe I’m just saying it wouldn’t work because I’m scared of actually trying something new.

But none of that really matters, does it? As long as you’re with someone, there’s nothing I can do, right? I don’t have the right to tell you that I’m the one you should be with. I don’t have the right to say you’re relationship with her is a mistake. I know it’s not my place.
There’s nothing wrong with wondering, though, is there? Wondering, even if it’s only for a moment, what it would be like? What a you and me would look like?

So, thank you. Thank you for everything, everything you know and especially everything you don’t know. For what it’s worth, it all mattered to me. xoxo

P.S. I’m taking one giant *gulp* as I hit the publish button on this one. Please just promise me you won’t hate me for doing this, OK?

[Photos via ofabeautifulnight and every second counts]


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Comments

  1. Miss Vintage Vixen says

    Aww, Melissa! 🙂 Thank you for having this blog– I remember the first time I found it, I was chatting with a friend on MSN, catching up and stuff, and we both are pretty similar and like the same kind of vintagey & cutesy stuff with advice and love kicked in…

    …so I said, "Oh my God, Jessica, you have got to read this blog, it's the most amazing thing ever!"

    And even though she doesn't have a blog, I know she often checks in on your blog 'cause she'll tell me some advice and then she'll say, "Just do it, Melissa said so."

    You have an impact on people, girlfriend! Don't forget!

    Love,
    Miss Vintage Vixen {Jessica}

    Reply

  2. Mary Cee says

    I'm a big fan of "if you feel it, say it"… As John Mayer would say, "Say what you need to say". It's a lot easier said than done though. I often find myself not taking my own advice when it comes to situations like this.
    And timing… it so often is off, isn't it? Although I've found that in retrospect timing is always a little better than we realized at the time.
    You are wonderful, I love your blog!

    Reply

  7. Jessica says

    So this is exactly
    and I mean exactly
    how I feel about someone right now
    Obviously every situation is different
    but how I have no right to say anything
    but every little bit of me wants to
    I have before a long time ago, but I just feel like it's time to again
    I envy your braveness.

    Reply

  15. Some Style... says

    just wonderful so amazing! like beautiful poetry to my ears! have to read it more often and you always take something new out of it! very brave! and yes life is too short to just think your dwell upon things! Just do it! NOW! hehe

    thx for stopping by over at my little place!

    amazing you!

    dearest greets!

    Reply

  24. hannahkaty.com says

    First time on your blog I believe but this letter is one I could have written myself.. It is as if you went and curled up into my heart and validated every one of my feelings.. I have written a letter very similar to this one and I sent it.. I guess it was my form of closure.. Which we all need in some way or another. Good for you, it takes a lot of courage to publish the things that pierce our hearts.

    Best,

    Hannah Katy

    Reply

  29. ~Azucar~ says

    I remember feeling the exact same way about someone in my life. My friend had always told me that it's better to be aggressive and take what you want because otherwise it will pass you by, but I was always passive. Its hard to put it all out there… but if you don't, you might miss out. I am still learning this. P.s. I really love your blog!

    Reply

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