Dear You (actual name withheld…):
I recently read this wonderful quote: If you feel it, say it. I must have read it at the perfect moment in my life because here I am, doing something I’m not quite sure I should be doing, but knowing I’d hate myself for it in the long run if I didn’t.
Maybe I shouldn’t even be doing this. Is this even me, sitting here typing these words and feeling a sort of boldness I never felt before? Apparently, it is. Is it right? Is it wrong? I’m not sure I have an answer (maybe there’s not one…), but I do feel it, so instead of saying it, I’ll settle for writing about it for now.
I know deep down that the old me wouldn’t even consider writing these words. But now, I don’t care, and ironically, you have a lot to do with my new sense of boldness even if you have no idea. Don’t worry, I’m not going to say anything to you. That would just create an even more awkward mess, and honestly, I think I’ve created one already. But sometimes I do want to say it to you. In one of those big, sweeping romantic-comedy gestures, I just want to blurt out “I think I like you…”. And all the time, not just sometimes, I wonder what you’d say.
I know I could never – and maybe should never – say these things to you, but nonetheless, they deserve to at least leap out of my heart because I’ve been feeling them for far too long to keep them hidden away.
OK. Here. I Go.
Whether you know it or not, it meant something to me. This last year? It had a sort of magical quality to it.
You made me laugh, at times when I really needed some laughter in my life. You helped me relax and just live in the moment. It was refreshing how you just let me be myself. I’d never really done that before. Whether you know it or not, you’ve changed me. In a good way. For the first time in my entire life, I felt like I didn’t have to hide anything whenever I was around you.
I’m not sure how much of my feelings you know about. Even I’m not sure if they’re feelings exactly. You know how people talk of feeling a spark or a flurry of chemistry? Yes, that’s sort of what I feel for you. I don’t know what it is, but on my end? Well, there’s something there. Sometimes I think it’s better if you don’t know. Sometimes, I just want to tell you everything and just let go, you know?
But I am certain of one thing: I owe you an enormous thank you. Thank you for the way you’d look in my eyes sometimes and that comforting smile you’d get on your face when you’d laugh (and, surprisingly, I did make you laugh, so thanks for that boost of confidence, too)…those images will always make me smile. I just smile right now when I thought of you as I was writing that last sentence.
I just hope that somehow, someway, you know how much of an impact you’ve had on my life. I’m starting to feel happy again, and I think you’re a huge part of the reason I am more confident, why I’m not finding it as difficult to be myself these days, why I feel like maybe, perhaps, just a little bit I’m not such a hopeless case anymore.
And yes, like most of the things I do in my life, I know the timing of this isn’t exactly perfect. I know you’re with her. And yes, in the back of my mind, I know a you and me in the relationship sense is out of the question. It would never in a million years work. It could never work. It would probably end before it even started. Maybe we’re just too different. Or maybe I’m just saying it wouldn’t work because I’m scared of actually trying something new.
But none of that really matters, does it? As long as you’re with someone, there’s nothing I can do, right? I don’t have the right to tell you that I’m the one you should be with. I don’t have the right to say you’re relationship with her is a mistake. I know it’s not my place.
There’s nothing wrong with wondering, though, is there? Wondering, even if it’s only for a moment, what it would be like? What a you and me would look like?
So, thank you. Thank you for everything, everything you know and especially everything you don’t know. For what it’s worth, it all mattered to me. xoxo
P.S. I’m taking one giant *gulp* as I hit the publish button on this one. Please just promise me you won’t hate me for doing this, OK?