Tales From The Trenches: Tale #36

This week, we have quite the hilarioud Top from one of my high school friends. Can you see if I said these things, friends? Heck, I blushed just proofreading this! xoxo

Dear Readers, while the fabulous resident Guyspert Kasey does an amazing job with his love advice from a male perspective, I think it’s time for a little Sugar & Spice from the Ladies Department! I like to call this segment 5 Evil Things A Woman Shouldn’t Say To A Naked Man* because let’s face it…we’ve all been in situations where the instruction manual didn’t really give a boost to the product we purchased –that’s a BIG marketing plot ladies (Jumbo size bag, little chips?? Seriously, I just paid $4 for air)–. Whether you’ve been in a situation like this in the bedroom or not, PLEASE be courteous. It’s best to communicate with your partner rather than to say the following:

Does it come with an air pump?
Meeeooow! Let the nails come out! Kudos to you if you like to experiment in the boudoir with some sexy accessories, but if this is the first time you’re with a guy and you’d like to keep the love going, this is probably not the best thing to say. Unless he surprises you with an actual air pump, then you’re on your own for this one, who knows what else he’d like to pump.

You know, they have surgery to fix that…
OK, not only is this cruel, mean and hurtful but above all disrespectful. Growing up, I knew a friend who got kicked by a horse in his nether region. The poor guy lost a testicle and was very self-conscious due to this incident for years. He couldn’t bring himself to be intimate with his girlfriends. For a long time, we used to think he was gay until he opened up about his feelings. A few therapy sessions did the trick. Now, if you could see his wife…WOW. She’s a bombshell who clearly sees past his injury just like a loving partner should.

Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow
I know Chia Pets were a big thing in the ’90s, but as much as you’d love to give it Miracle Gro, it’s not going to grow into a Secoya tree.

THIS explains your car
I’m guilty of thinking this. I used to date this guy who would go off every year and trade his Mustang for the newest model. When I first met him I was a little taken back by his car. Literally, this guy had his Mustang PIMPED OUT. Every option that was available he made sure to have it. Sure it was impressive, but did I really care? No, I’m not much of a car enthusiast to be honest.

Why don’t we just skip right to the cigarettes?
I for one, do not condone smoking. Now, having had said that…if you’re going to say this then why even bother?
*Disclaimer: I in no way encourage you to say these things to your partner, if you choose to do so and get slapped in the face or receive a similar or more offensive response…that is a risk you are taking. Being respectful and courteous will always yield much greater results, voice your concerns and or opinions in a healthy manner in which you both can be open and honest. Remember that constructive criticism is better than negative criticism. Now, go on and kiss your lover!

[Photos via We Heart It]