MEMO TO MEN: Disability Is Not Stalking.

TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Look again, please
DATE: May 19, 2010
It’s come to my attention, boys, that a trend seems to be developing. Now, I’m not sure if it has to do with my disability or not. I’d like to think it doesn’t, but I’ll say that sometimes I do have my doubts. I’m a bit hurt, really. I’m getting the feeling that my disability lends itself quite easily to an immediate stalker label. The scenario usually goes like this:

*I can talk to a guy only up to a point.
*I call this the Point of the Glassy Eyes
*By this stage, it’s no use, sadly. The guy has already made up his mind, even though we all know how utterly harmless I am.
*Said guy gets that glassy look in his eyes, as if I’ve somehow crossed the invisible line and entered Stalking Territory. The subject matter we discuss isn’t even relevant. I could say something as harmless as, “Oh, that sun is hot today, isn’t it?”

That last quote might be an extreme case, but it proves the point. I don’t have to go to extremes to get you boys to go extremes and swiftly make up your mind about me all too quickly.

Really? Does it really have to be like that? The last time I checked, I was a woman (stop giggling, boys….), or have you forgotten? Don’t make a beeline for the stalker label just because my disability makes you think you want absolutely nothing to do with me.
And lest you think, it’s just me, I’ve sadly seen this scenario played out with other people with disabilities. In one case, a man in a wheelchair was simply talking to a woman, and I hear someone close by say, “It’s funny to see him trying to hit on her.”

Ummm, no. Excuse me? So why exactly do people think that simply talking to you means we (read: people with disabilities… have already plotted some elaborate pick-up scheme in our heads. Oh, please. Don’t think that highly of yourself.

Gosh darnit, it just bugs the hell out of me. Every. Single. Time. When I see it, I’m thisclose to going over and giving them a piece of my mind. For now, I just glare. But I can only glare for so long, you know?

Did you ever think that I could genuinely want to get to know you – person to person? Not person with a disability to a regular person, whatever regular means, anyway.

But back to stalking and its relation to my disability. Honestly, I try to brush it aside, not pretending it doesn’t exist, but you know what? Sometimes I just can’t.

We’re not a joke meant for your sad, pathetic amusement. So either go and make fun of someone else to make yourself feel better, or check your attitude at the door.
So I’m issuing a challenge to you. The next time I talk to you, just talk back. I’m me. You’re you. Let’s just see where things go, you know? I know you’ll see my disability; I’m not that naive. Yes, I know it exists. But it doesn’t have to overshadow something that could potentially be awesome. All I ask is that you open your eyes to me and close your eyes to my disability. I promise you, boys, I’ll be so quick to charm you that you’ll forget about my disability before you know it.

Oh, and please don’t give me the old “Our-personalities-just-weren’t-compatible” excuse. Because that’s just the ultimate cop-out. Don’t even try that slow-fade thing, either. That’s just lame and pathetic boys. One word: Transparent. As I said before, I may only know dating and all that jazz in there, but I know the tricks and theories of the trade. It’s like my sophomore year of high school. I took the classroom portion of driver’s ed, so I read the textbook and understood the theory and rules, but I lacked “on-the-road” experience. Got it, boys? xoxo

P.S. And just like that beautiful butterfly in the photo above, remember this: That butterfly was at one time a little slimy caterpillar.

[Photos via Audrey Hepburn Complex]


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Comments

  1. Oana Roxana says

    "It's funny to see him trying to hit on her." Why would you say that? You might end up in his situation.That would be funny?
    Melissa,I wish I have the words to soothe you,if that's the right word,but not because I feel pity for you,I don't.Is them who I feel pity for,those who can't appreciate you.
    I hope some good guy will finaly found you! Take care! xoxo

    Reply

  4. Dino says

    Melissa you are very honest in yourself…you must not be.

    You are always in conflict with your mirror…you must not see it.

    You must face the life as all the others…and you will see that everything will be simpler.

    I could perhaps be wrong.

    Reply

  5. Lindsey says

    I know, somewhat, how you feel. I'm very tall (6'2") and whenever I talk to guys, especially tall ones, I feel like they automatically think I'm in love with them when I'm just being friendly, just because they're tall and I'm tall. It's SO annoying and completely untrue. But women definitely get treated differently if they deviate significantly from what society feels is "normal."

    Reply

  7. elizabeth says

    It takes a minute to find a special person. If you are in quest for a suitable mate .Go to this website that focuses on love, friendship, dating, and relationship; sign up, and start looking for your perfect match with a real-time chat facility.
    persian online dating

    Reply

  8. I Can Walk :) says

    There is no possible way for anyone to brush aside your deformity and pretend it doesn't exist. It doesn't just overshadow everything. It eclipses it. If a person with a club foot came up and started talking to me, I would not be able to process anything they said. Not until we first discuss the club foot. I'm afraid most people are amused by the disabled. It's a guilty pleasure we know it's not right to enjoy, but do anyway. Besides, who wants to be charmed by a cripple?

    Reply

  9. Anonymous says

    I'm a woman with a disability and I've been reading you for awhile now. (I'm posting anon today because that other anon is still here – the anon who "can walk " while his/her head is up his/her ass. Impressive.

    I have had a lifelong disability and have been in a 17 year long relationship – married for 14 of them. I don't think I would have ever met my husband if I had spent my time worrying about what other people were thinking. I'm not saying that they aren't thinking the things that you assume they are, many of them might be. Until women with disabilities are seen as full human beings, there will always be people with their stupid prejudices ***waves to "I can walk" lurking in the corner***

    The only thing that you can control is you and your thoughts. Not the other person's. Overhearing someone say dumbass things is not cool, but it doesn't mean that all people feel that way. When I met my husband I had a huge social life that included men and women. I was friends with so many people that it never appeared that I was desperate. People were too busy noticing what an awesome time I was having. And they just naturally wanted to be part of that. I'd love to read posts about you going out for a night on the town with a huge group of friends. I get sad when I read about you staying at home on the weekend reading magazines. I'm not trying to be mean. As I say, I've had all the hurdles to jump through that any PWD would have. I know what it is like. But I was the only one who could take charge of my social life. I had to make the decision to get out there and meet people, any people.

    Cultivate a rich and diverse social life and the rest will follow. – anon.

    Reply

  10. Melissa Blake says

    thanks anon! And congrats! Part of it is that I'm just a natural homebody, and that has nothing to do with my disability. I guess it has to do more with my personality. Sure, I could go out on the weekends, but honestly, I enjoy staying home and just relaxing. Is that bad? 🙂

    Reply

  11. Taylor K says

    This is a great post. Something else that really bothers me is the way men are looked at who date someone with a disability. I have a cousin who has a disability who has been in a very loving relationship for about two years now. My friends often ask how she is doing and when I bring up how well she and her bf are doing the first response is always, 'She has a boyfriend? Does he have the disability also?' When I tell them that NO, he does not have the disability I feel like they assume something is wrong with him, like he is preying on someone who can't make decisions for herself, which is totally not the case. My cousin's bf was able to look at my cousin for who she is, not at her disability and I think that should be celebrated, not questioned.

    Reply

  12. Anonymous says

    Melissa, it's not bad that you are a natural homebody, but it doesn't make trying to find someone any easier. Disabled or not, if you don't go out and meet new people then how are you going to meet Mr. Right?

    You don't have to have a huge social group, but going out to eat with a friend or two or going to local events (town fair season is coming up!) is a good way to see people you might not otherwise.

    Reply

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