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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Letters To My Future Husband: Letter #91

Dear Mr. Melissa Blake;

I’m sitting in the psychiatrist’s office right now. And I hate it. I hate it not so much because you’re not here, though it would be great if you were sitting next to me right now and holding my hand. I hate it because, frankly, I haven’t felt this bad in almost two years. How is it that something like this, something so raw and so real, can really tear you up?

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster since the weekend. I wake up crying. I go to bed crying. And you know, Sweetpea, I’m usually not the crying type. But for some reason, I just can’t seem to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks…

Oops, the doctor is calling me in. I shall be back, Sweetpea.

*45 minutes later*

I’m home now, Sweetpea, still sad, but proud of myself for going. I’m now on an anti-anxiety medication, which is the best thing, because I just don’t know what to do with my anxiety sometimes. It just boils and boils and boils under the surface until it comes gushing out like a waterfall. Did I tell you that I had to stop in the bathroom before my appointment and call my mother because I was crying? What sort of 28-year-old does that? I just want these feelings to go away, you know? Lately, I can’t even look at a photo of my mom, dad or even my sister without bursting into tears.
It also makes me wonder how I’m doing where your right now is concerned. How am I doing? Do I still burst into tears at the drop of a hat? Gah! See, I hate thinking into the future because I’m so scared and afraid of the future for some reason lately. I just don’t want to lose anyone else in my life, you know? I’ve been thinking about my father’s death a lot lately, and I couldn’t bear to lose my mom or my sister or even my cats. What would happen to me?

But maybe on some small scale, these letters should give me a little hope, right? If I’m thinking about the future, a part of me, even if it’s only a minuscule part, is hopeful about the future. Don’t you think, Sweetpea?
Oh, and just so you know I’m still me, Sweetpea: My regular psychiatrist was out of town, so I had to see her associate. Wowzers, was he a cutie. Coupled with that and the fact that I have a real weakness for doctors, at least that made me smile today, right? I know, I know. It’s probably just another tango with me and good-old transference. Until we meet…

[Photos via Audrey Hepburn Complex]

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13 Comments Filed Under: Heartbreak, Letters to my future husband, Life, Uncategorized


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Comments

  1. Nicole says

    Wednesday, May 26, 2010 at 7:28 pm

    Melissa,

    You are such a sweetheart. Thanks for sharing whats truly on your heart. It's so encouraging!! I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time right now. But I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you (and I mean it)!

    nicole

    Reply
  2. Diana Mieczan says

    Wednesday, May 26, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Thank you so much sweetie for sharing with us your feelings!
    I hope you will feel better soon!
    Kisses

    Reply
  3. Melissa Blake says

    Wednesday, May 26, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    Thanks so much for all the well wishes. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Writing about it helps too.

    Reply
  4. Jennifer says

    Wednesday, May 26, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    I'm glad you have a place to get it out, especially one that can help others also. You're an amazing person — one day at a time is all anyone should be focused on. Keep your chin up! We all adore you.

    Reply
  5. Jamie says

    Thursday, May 27, 2010 at 12:39 am

    Aw, Melissa. I hope everything gets better soon. Every day is a new day.

    Reply
  6. elizabeth says

    Thursday, May 27, 2010 at 3:31 am

    Hi Melissa,

    I just stumbled upon your blog this evening, and found it lovely, witty, sweet, and beautiful. Thank you for your honesty about the happy and sad pieces of life. It's so refreshing to read someone be both honest and sincere.

    I hope you have a wonderful Thursday 🙂

    Elizabeth

    Reply
  7. Melissa Blake says

    Thursday, May 27, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Nice to meet you, Elizabeth, and I appreciate the kind words! xoxo

    Reply
  8. Dancing Branflake says

    Thursday, May 27, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    This is the sweetest letter. It's so honest and real and full of an underlying hope. You will one day give this letter to your Sweet Pea and he will love you for it.

    Ps… yay for cute doctors. Makes an icky situation a little better. Get well soon.

    Reply
  9. Melissa Blake says

    Thursday, May 27, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    Aww, thanks, branflake! This is one of my favorite letters I've written recently.

    Reply
  10. Alyssa says

    Thursday, May 27, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    I also have an anxiety disorder. It forced me, along with other health reasons, to miss over 10 weeks of school my senior year of high school. I had to have a tudor; my anxiety was crippling. I had daily panic attacks and had to have medication. I really understand the feelings that go along with an anxiety disorder. It's so confusing and hard to control. I hope you share your progress with us all!

    Reply
  11. Melissa Blake says

    Thursday, May 27, 2010 at 10:36 pm

    thanks, alyssa. of course i'll keep you all up-to-date! xoxo glad you can understand

    Reply
  12. Renee says

    Saturday, May 29, 2010 at 2:24 am

    I listened to winkwinkZoe's advice to follow you, and I'm so glad I did. This was such a poignant and poetic entry, and I was deeply touched by your candor. I believe there are quite a few things we share in common. I can't wait to read more from you.

    http://twitter.com/SoloAt30
    http://singleinmy30s.wordpress.com

    Reply
  13. Melissa Blake says

    Saturday, May 29, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    hi, renee!! xoxo

    Reply

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So About What I Said is a daily blog that covers relationships, disabilities, lifestyle and pop culture. I love to laugh and have been known to overshare. I also have an unabashed obsession with pop music, polo shirts, and PEZ dispensers. Read more...

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