Dear Mr. Melissa Blake;
I’m sitting in the psychiatrist’s office right now. And I hate it. I hate it not so much because you’re not here, though it would be great if you were sitting next to me right now and holding my hand. I hate it because, frankly, I haven’t felt this bad in almost two years. How is it that something like this, something so raw and so real, can really tear you up?
I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster since the weekend. I wake up crying. I go to bed crying. And you know, Sweetpea, I’m usually not the crying type. But for some reason, I just can’t seem to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks…
Oops, the doctor is calling me in. I shall be back, Sweetpea.
*45 minutes later*
I’m home now, Sweetpea, still sad, but proud of myself for going. I’m now on an anti-anxiety medication, which is the best thing, because I just don’t know what to do with my anxiety sometimes. It just boils and boils and boils under the surface until it comes gushing out like a waterfall. Did I tell you that I had to stop in the bathroom before my appointment and call my mother because I was crying? What sort of 28-year-old does that? I just want these feelings to go away, you know? Lately, I can’t even look at a photo of my mom, dad or even my sister without bursting into tears. It also makes me wonder how I’m doing where your right now is concerned. How am I doing? Do I still burst into tears at the drop of a hat? Gah! See, I hate thinking into the future because I’m so scared and afraid of the future for some reason lately. I just don’t want to lose anyone else in my life, you know? I’ve been thinking about my father’s death a lot lately, and I couldn’t bear to lose my mom or my sister or even my cats. What would happen to me?
But maybe on some small scale, these letters should give me a little hope, right? If I’m thinking about the future, a part of me, even if it’s only a minuscule part, is hopeful about the future. Don’t you think, Sweetpea? Oh, and just so you know I’m still me, Sweetpea: My regular psychiatrist was out of town, so I had to see her associate. Wowzers, was he a cutie. Coupled with that and the fact that I have a real weakness for doctors, at least that made me smile today, right? I know, I know. It’s probably just another tango with me and good-old transference. Until we meet…
[Photos via Audrey Hepburn Complex]
Nicole says
Melissa,
You are such a sweetheart. Thanks for sharing whats truly on your heart. It's so encouraging!! I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time right now. But I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you (and I mean it)!
nicole
Diana Mieczan says
Thank you so much sweetie for sharing with us your feelings!
I hope you will feel better soon!
Kisses
Melissa Blake says
Thanks so much for all the well wishes. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Writing about it helps too.
Jennifer says
I'm glad you have a place to get it out, especially one that can help others also. You're an amazing person — one day at a time is all anyone should be focused on. Keep your chin up! We all adore you.
Jamie says
Aw, Melissa. I hope everything gets better soon. Every day is a new day.
elizabeth says
Hi Melissa,
I just stumbled upon your blog this evening, and found it lovely, witty, sweet, and beautiful. Thank you for your honesty about the happy and sad pieces of life. It's so refreshing to read someone be both honest and sincere.
I hope you have a wonderful Thursday 🙂
Elizabeth
Melissa Blake says
Nice to meet you, Elizabeth, and I appreciate the kind words! xoxo
Dancing Branflake says
This is the sweetest letter. It's so honest and real and full of an underlying hope. You will one day give this letter to your Sweet Pea and he will love you for it.
Ps… yay for cute doctors. Makes an icky situation a little better. Get well soon.
Melissa Blake says
Aww, thanks, branflake! This is one of my favorite letters I've written recently.
Alyssa says
I also have an anxiety disorder. It forced me, along with other health reasons, to miss over 10 weeks of school my senior year of high school. I had to have a tudor; my anxiety was crippling. I had daily panic attacks and had to have medication. I really understand the feelings that go along with an anxiety disorder. It's so confusing and hard to control. I hope you share your progress with us all!
Melissa Blake says
thanks, alyssa. of course i'll keep you all up-to-date! xoxo glad you can understand
Renee says
I listened to winkwinkZoe's advice to follow you, and I'm so glad I did. This was such a poignant and poetic entry, and I was deeply touched by your candor. I believe there are quite a few things we share in common. I can't wait to read more from you.
http://twitter.com/SoloAt30
http://singleinmy30s.wordpress.com
Melissa Blake says
hi, renee!! xoxo