Letters To My Future Husband: Letter #91

Dear Mr. Melissa Blake;

I’m sitting in the psychiatrist’s office right now. And I hate it. I hate it not so much because you’re not here, though it would be great if you were sitting next to me right now and holding my hand. I hate it because, frankly, I haven’t felt this bad in almost two years. How is it that something like this, something so raw and so real, can really tear you up?

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster since the weekend. I wake up crying. I go to bed crying. And you know, Sweetpea, I’m usually not the crying type. But for some reason, I just can’t seem to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks…

Oops, the doctor is calling me in. I shall be back, Sweetpea.

*45 minutes later*

I’m home now, Sweetpea, still sad, but proud of myself for going. I’m now on an anti-anxiety medication, which is the best thing, because I just don’t know what to do with my anxiety sometimes. It just boils and boils and boils under the surface until it comes gushing out like a waterfall. Did I tell you that I had to stop in the bathroom before my appointment and call my mother because I was crying? What sort of 28-year-old does that? I just want these feelings to go away, you know? Lately, I can’t even look at a photo of my mom, dad or even my sister without bursting into tears.
It also makes me wonder how I’m doing where your right now is concerned. How am I doing? Do I still burst into tears at the drop of a hat? Gah! See, I hate thinking into the future because I’m so scared and afraid of the future for some reason lately. I just don’t want to lose anyone else in my life, you know? I’ve been thinking about my father’s death a lot lately, and I couldn’t bear to lose my mom or my sister or even my cats. What would happen to me?

But maybe on some small scale, these letters should give me a little hope, right? If I’m thinking about the future, a part of me, even if it’s only a minuscule part, is hopeful about the future. Don’t you think, Sweetpea?
Oh, and just so you know I’m still me, Sweetpea: My regular psychiatrist was out of town, so I had to see her associate. Wowzers, was he a cutie. Coupled with that and the fact that I have a real weakness for doctors, at least that made me smile today, right? I know, I know. It’s probably just another tango with me and good-old transference. Until we meet…

[Photos via Audrey Hepburn Complex]