Dear Mr. Melissa Blake;
Do I cry a lot these days or tend to get overly emotional? I only ask because I cried for the first time in a long time last night. It was the sort of crying where the tears just come pouring out, and there are no flood gates to stop them. I must have dehydrated myself too because I woke up in the middle of the night with a dry mouth, sore throat and a cough. Not very attractive, I know, but completely real.
I’m not sure how much I’ve shared with you about the years after my father’s death. Maybe you’ve listened to me babble on about the emotional turmoil I felt, though not on our very first date, I hope.
Needless to say, it was a very raw time for my entire family; half the time, I felt like we were all falling down into that open wound left by my father’s suicide. It was a very dark, very scary time. I still carry that feeling with of being afraid every second of the day. The time was especially hard for my sister, and over the last 3 years in particular, she’s struggled immensely.
And last night? Well, all my post-traumatic stress came bubbling up. I began to get those feelings and worries and fears I did 3 years ago when everything was so rocky. And I just couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop it. I just broke down.
Honestly, and I don’t want this to sound as bad as it’s going to, sometimes, I don’t want to be the strong one. Sometimes, I don’t want to be the one who has to keep it together. I don’t want to be the one always fixing everyone else. Don’t get me wrong; I’m a very compassionate and caring person. But where is the point when your caring comes at the expense of yourself? How do you know where you draw the line? Is there even a line?
And yes, I know the past is the past. But how can you really feel like that when there’s always this spector of uncertainty hanging over your head?
I worry about my little sister. I worry about her more than she probably knows. Do you have any siblings, Sweetpea? If you do, then I’m sure you’ll understand that the sibling bond is stronger than anything in the entire world. I want to keep her safe. I want her to never hurt, never be as scared as I’ve been for the last 7 years.
And I don’t want to feel like I’m losing her again. I hope it’s just me overreacting again. What do you think, Sweetpea? Until we meet…
[Photos via We Heart It]