MEMO TO MEN: Some ‘Rules’ That Really Aren’t.

TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Stupid stereotypes
DATE: March 16, 2010

So, boys, you know how I’m always trying to drill those stupid disability misconeptions out of your beautiful minds? Well, stand-up comedian Ryan Niemiller has actually found a better way to do it. His A Guide to Dating for the Handicapped takes the humor route, and I couldn’t have said it better myself…

As someone with a handicap, I have had my fair share of troubles finding love. Luckily, all of my non-handicapped friends have been so kind over the years to help me along the way, and tell me how I, someone with a handicap, should date. I’ve compiled, in conjunction with Ally “Wheels” Bruener, this helpful list for anyone else here that might have a disability! I present… the Guide to Dating for the Handicapped!

*Only look for others [people with disabilities].
*Never try to date up. You will fail.
*Make yourself look as normal as possible. If someone is stupid enough, they may think you’re normal.
*Never complain about the fact that you don’t have anybody. You’re handicapped and supposed to be an inspiration. Don’t be selfish.
*Everyone that hangs out with you is paid to do so. Just accept it.
*Don’t ask for anyone to set you up. No one is going to be that mean to their friends.
*If you are disabled, you must be asexual.
*If you really want a date, try getting it setup through the Make-A-Wish Foundation. It’s your best bet.
*Just accept the fact that a pat on the head from a little old man will be the most action you’ll see.
*Take some classes on counseling: You’ll be the one everyone comes to with their problems.
*If anyone actually offers to sleep with you, decline. It is a fraternity/sorority initiation prank. Or your parents paid them.
*If you don’t want to die a virgin, begin shopping around for the best-priced hooker immediately.
*Never let your quest for a relationship get out to your family: They’ll reassure that it just isn’t practical.
*Your non-handicapped friends are right – you’re just being silly.
*Society isn’t as harsh as you think. You’re just being overly critical.
*Every member of the opposite sex you talk to will tell you there is someone out there for you – it’s just not them.
*You just aren’t trying hard enough.
*You’re trying too hard. Just let it happen.
*You want a family?
Don’t these supposed rules society buys into just look completely ridiculous and ignorant when seen on paper (well, on the screen) and listed all together? Don’t they want to make you scratch your eyes out?

Because you know I have a big mouth, allow me to add a couple of my own to round out the list…

*Always have your date talk for you, cut your meat for you and tell people to move out of the way as you’re coming through. Because, you know, you can’t use your voice in public. Don’t want to scare the little children, do you?
*If the most action you ever get is looking into the gorgeous blue eyes of Silvio every time he comes to help you shower, be grateful. Silvio is your in-home health-care worker.
*You’re loved by your family. That’s more than what some people have. Don’t cry with a loaf of bread under your arm.
Let me know, boys, when those guilty, oh-my-gosh-I-can’t-believe-I-let-her-get-away feelings set in. Go ahead, boys. I’ll wait. Heck, I’ve got all day – and night…you know, because it’s not like I have a date or anything. xoxo

[Photos via happythings]