I had the pleasure of writing on this very subject for DateDaily last week. I raised that ever-burning question: Is being a virgin taboo?
Why, of all things, should being a virgin relegate you to taboo territory? It’s not like I have some sort of disease (We can be sure of that, if you know what I mean…), or will turn you into a monster or something just by being around me. 
I often think about what the world would be like if we felt as open and free to discuss virginity in the same way we have frank talks about sex and other things that go on behind those bedroom doors. It would certainly be a freeing experience, wouldn’t it?
And what’s more, why does it seem like the rest of society has more of a problem with my actions (or lack thereof…) than I do? But what about dating a virgin? Have you? Would you?
I’d love to hear your thoughts, friends! xoxo
[Photos via ache]
Tuesday Tunes: Taylor Swift’s “State of Grace”
Love Lounge: My First Dating Do?
Have a marvelous weekend
Drama Queen #1 says
Personally, I think being a virgin is an honor of some sorts. I have no risks, such as pregnancy, diseases etc. and I'm glad for that! And I don't know why being a virgin is such a bad thing. What has happened in this society that requires people to not be virgins? It's positively ridiculous.
-DQ#1
Emily says
I am 27, and I'm a virgin. I wonder how taboo it really may be, but I am proud of who I am and have no regrets. I would love for the public to speak about virginity as openly as we speak about sex. I don't judge people for having sex so why should anyone judge me for not having sex.
Melissa Blake says
excellent point, emily! 🙂
Jane says
I don't think there's anything wrong with being a virgin. However, I don't think that someone who has never had the opportunity to loose her virginity (i.e. never been on a date, never been kissed, etc…) should be the poster girl for "saving herself." You can't give away your virginity if no one's taking it.
Jane says
*lose
Melissa Blake says
I never said I was the poster child. And when I DO have those opportunities, which I will, I'll still feel the same way.
Natalie says
I think being a virgin is a great thing. I also feel like if it wasn't treated like such a *gasp* bad thing, we wouldn't have NEAR the teenage pregnancy we do. Sex, in general, is just not an open discussion we like to have. If you do it, it's wrong. If you don't do it, then something is wrong with you. There's no easy solution. I think you should do (or don't do) whatever makes you happy. If you can live with your decsion, then great.
Personally, I did not wait long enough & got pregnant at an early age. Although, I wouldn't trade my children for the world, it has def. been a difficult road. And one I do not want my kids to follow.
katarina says
im 20 and virgin. i don't speak openly about this because i feel that being a virgin means that no one loves me enough to make love to me, and that is seen as a personal failure, and that is not something that you whould admit in public.
Kelley says
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin at all. My personal belief is in saving it for LOVE. TRUE LOVE. And I realize that is a veryyyy rare belief these days, especially in people my age. In my own personal opinion, being a virgin is something to be way more proud of then how many notches you have in your bed post. But that's just me.
Jessi Haish says
Being a virgin isn't terrible, but society definitely makes it out to be! The other day, a guy told my friend "I can't believe a girl as pretty as you is still a virgin." What does that mean? Just because she's pretty she's supposed to use it to her advantage in these situations?
It doesn't make any sense. I personally don't understand why society wants to know who's a virgin and who's not – – and no one seems to "get" when people are virgins. It's really not a big deal! Just like with your first kiss…always worth the wait even though it may seem to take a long time. It's something no one would want to regret.
Melissa Blake says
Katerina, PLEASE don't think that about yourself! It breaks my heart!! Always remember that you ARE worth it.
Melissa Blake says
Awesome, Jessi! 🙂
Jessi Haish says
katarina, that's not true at all. I'm 19 and a virgin! It is not a personal failure that you appear to have respect for yourself. When the time comes it will, and it will be for the right reasons, not just because someone WANTS to.
Wild and Precious says
I was a virgin until i got married.
Jane- I think what you said is incorrect. A person's convictions about something aren't necessarily weak just because they haven't been tried. If you have a purpose behind a decision you make, its the purpose that counts. I don't think Melissa was at all displaying herself as a poster child. She was being sincere and honest.
Katrina — I'm sad that the world makes us think sex=love. Lots of people who have sex are not in loving relationships and love has nothing to do with it. I like to think that being a virgin is a way of loving yourself, which is very important and is something that society does not allow women to do.
I hate it that girls(myself included) have so much pressure to be pretty and to be sexy. What would the world be like if we were instead encouraged to be comfortable in our own skin and love and cherish our bodies the way we were made? It would be radical.
If you are or are not a virgin, be yourself & don't let someone define you by your sexual status.
sorry this was so long.. i'll have to finish the rest in a post one day… thanks for starting the conversation Melissa.
kodi_jo says
I am a virgin and I've dated men who are and men who aren't. I think it's easier to date men who are, just because it's easier for those men to support you. Guys who have had sex want it again, in a way that's different than guys who've never had sex before. When you've had the experience, you don't forget what it's like, so the mind of the non-virgin man who's in love with a pretty girl is obviously going to go to having sex with that pretty girl. It's something that people want, that people desire. I understand that, and that's what makes it harder. Because while I don't want to deprive the person I'm dating of that pleasure, I'm not going to give in when I've committed myself to waiting until I'm married. That's the choice I've made, so it's easier to date someone who's also made that choice than someone who, while they may respect that I've made that choice, haven't made it themselves.
Meg says
thank you for being so honest melissa! this is a great conversation to have. there is certainly a stigma around virginity these days which is just so sad! i personally was a virgin until i got married and am proud of it!
Melissa Blake says
I love these comments! This is an important conversation to have!!
MIDWEST MAMA says
@Mellissa, that is really brave of you to be so open about this topic. I lost my virginity while still in HS and mostly due to the fact that I felt pressure from my peers to do so. I have regret in that decision–even tho I ended up marrying my HS BF. The timing and reasoning behind the choice is very important.
AND
@Katrina, Please know that any sleazy and/or drunk guy in a bar would take home anything and have sex with it. It certainly has nothing to do with if she is lovable or not. The media tries to sell us this idea of us needing to be super sexy in order to land a guy but in truth "being sexy" or desirable often only leads to regrets and an itchy under region.
I wish I would have been the girl to stand up proudly and say that I was a virgin. Instead, I went with the crowd. (and ended up having my first baby at 19)
Food for thought..<3
Alyssa says
Of course there is NOTHING wrong with being a virgin! Nothing wrong at all. Only the WRONG sorts of people will see it as being taboo, (aka the wrong sorts of GUYS) and who cares about them anyway?
Do what you want to and don't let anyone tell you different, girl!
Iglowinyourclost says
I think you're missing the point here.
What I think Melissa is trying to say is that just because you're disabled does not mean you don't get horny.
National Geographic did a great show in their "Taboo: Sex" (http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/series/taboo/3611/Overview) series which I thought was very interesting. It demonstrates how different cultures talk about and express their sexuality. What I liked most about it is that they had a little person on there who was very vocal about his sexual needs and desires.
Due to the cultural stigma of his disability he said that often times, people don't think that he has "normal sexual desires" like other human beings. His father who did understand this; would take him to a brothel in another country so his sexual desires could be met because, as the little person described it "normal people just don't get it or choose not to acknowledge it."
-ar
PS and for the record being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of, just as enjoying it has nothing bad about it either….as long as you don't enjoy it too much like Tiger Woods. Ha! =P
Faux Trixie says
Interestingly, when you get to be, like 29 or 30, no one really cares. I have to say that it doesn't even come up in conversation with me or my friends. We don't talk about sex at all. We kind of just talk about books and movies and clothes and other girls. Why? Sex and sexuality isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. So you have, so you don't. No one, at least in my experience, really cares all that much or judges you one way or another. I think the whole judgey thing exists in high school and then, I've only really seen judgment when you're NOT a virgin and get labeled as a slut.
Amy says
I always think it's interesting when you bring this up because I never really considered being a virgin a bad thing. Do you think maybe you could be self-imposing this virgin stigmatization on yourself?
Not only can I not imagine the people in my life making vocal judgments about my sexual decisions, I can't really imagine them caring what my sex life is like. But, then again, I also can't see myself broadcasting my sexual history (or lack thereof) to the world at large. So I guess that is a fundamental difference.
I'd say, you're an adult! If you want to remain a virgin, then more power to you! It makes me kind of sad that you seem to think that people may have a negative opinion of your decision to remain a virgin (whether or not you have had a choice in the matter, aside).
To be honest, that seems to be a concern only teenage girls have–the virgins are worried they are virgins, the ones who've had sex are worried about being "slutty." Only teenagers are angsty and insecure enough to care about other people's sex lives. Oh how much grief they'd save themselves if they just realized it really does not matter.
Realistically? Most people over a certain age really aren't going to be super invested in another adult's sex life.
Melissa Blake says
Amy, that's an interesting point you bring up about self-stigmatizing. I've never thought of it that way before, but maybe there's some truth to it.
And I totally agree that people probably care a lot less than I think they do. The high school analogy is perfect, especially since I sometimes feel so behind my peers; I suppose it would make me feel like I'm JUST now getting to those junior/senior year high school things.
Am I making any sense? xoxo
MIDWEST MAMA says
@iglowinyourcloset, if that is what Melissa meant, then you are right–we missed it. But that is sort of like saying that there are two types of people in the world..disabled vs not disabled.I think that disablility takes many forms and it is hard to pin down what determines how the world treats you.
I sorta see her whole blog as her effort to bridge the gap and show that although there are differences..we all share the same hopes and desires.
No matter if you are in a wheelchair or have speech problems or just a girl with thick glasses that sits in the back of her homeroom class, we all feel alone and unwanted sometimes.
When I read what Melissa writes it takes me back to what I used to feel as a young(er) girl who would dream about the man I wanted to marry. I love(d) thinking about that kinda stuff…
so maybe it is less about the LUST part of it and more about wanting to find the right person to share that experience with..??
Melissa, what are your thoughts?
Amy says
Yep, that definitely makes sense to me! You've mentioned this before and I've always meant to say something because it kind of bums me out that you feel like that when I can't imagine a well-adjusted adult having a serious issue with your decision.
Additionally, it strikes me as though the guy you find will obviously be extremely open, non-judgmental and probably have the same values as you do. So I can't imagine the fact that you're a virgin being an issue.
Ha ha, by your late 20s most guys LOVE finding virgins(not to be inappropriate)!!
Melissa Blake says
Hahaha, Amy! I recently read an article about how guy supposedly love the "challenge" of a virgin. Don't think I won't be writing about that next week!! 🙂
You're right, Midwest! From the beginning, I've wanted my blog to show that, yes, while my disability is a part of me, it's not ALL me. People with disabilities are a lot less different than society sometimes makes them out to be.
I'm all about spreading the love and education! xoxo
Jane says
"The high school analogy is perfect, especially since I sometimes feel so behind my peers; I suppose it would make me feel like I'm JUST now getting to those junior/senior year high school things."
You say this all the time, but the truth of the situation is that your view of things is very, very immature for your age. Your 19-20 year old readers relate better to you than adult readers because of this. You may have spent a good deal of your life in hospitals, but you also attended a four year university, ran a newspaper, and now teach a class. You cannot act like the 10 years you've had to "catch up" after you graduated high school didn't count. You've also had interest in boys forever (as evidenced by your list of crushes throughout middle school/high school/college), just because this interest wasn't returned doesn't mean that it's normal for a woman your age to think the way you do.
I agree that you've had no experience at all in the dating world, but I think that's your own doing. You could sign up for online dating sites, but you've already stated that you find that "creepy which is confusing because you put everything else about yourself all over the internet and chat up different "guy friends" over the internet all the time.
The truth of the matter is, virgin or not, 28 years old is getting up there to not have had ANY romantic interaction with someone. As stated before, if you are waiting on Prince Charming you have to accept the reality that he might never come. I know that you and all your readers are going to jump on this comment with the "you deserve happily ever after" bullshit, but it doesn't work that way. You have to work for what you want, and if you want to date someone (which you so obviously do) then you need to explore other options. I sincerely hope that someday soon you will.
I Love You More Than... says
I couldn't agree with you more. We're so open in talking about sex, but if you tell someone you're a virgin the conversation has that pause. You know what I'm talking about? The other person has no idea how to respond & if they don't change the subject, you get "the look." The look like you're some sort of freak. Great Post!
Melissa Blake says
Wow, Jane! That's my whole point – the reason my view is "unrealistic" IS exactly because I haven't had those experiences yet.
Does that make me any less of a PERSON? Heck no. Does that mean it's never going to happen? Of course not.
By your logic, then, I should get all those "firsts" out of the way soon because it's just plain inappropriate for me NOT to have experienced them. I'm sorry, but I'll wait until the right person comes along. And you know what? It's all going to be 100 times more special because I did it on MY terms.
P.S. And did you forget that "those 10 years" included my father's suicide, my sister's eating disorder and her own attempted suicide and 6 hospitalization in a year and a half? Yeah, romantic love really wasn't a high priority then.
Liz says
@Jane: I wasn't going to comment on what you said, but the more I got to thinking about it, the more it seems unfair to tell Melissa that she is oh so immature.
I'm 30. I've been married for 7 years. I have two little boys. I work part time. On the outside I am a very good example of being all grown up.
And yet, on the inside, I still have days when I feel like I'm in high school all over again. And my question for you is, do you never have days like that? Days that you feel inadequate or shy or, yes, even behind your peers?
I have days when I feel behind my peers, whether it be because their children are older than mine because they had them younger or something similar. And while my feeling behind my peers falls into a different category than Melissa's feelings, essentially I understand what she means when she says that. Honestly I don't think Melissa goes around thinking to herself, "gee, I feel like I'm a seventeen year old stuck in a twenty-somethings body."
You said it yourself, Melissa has had plenty of experiences that mark her as a grown up, and that have forced her to grow up (she mentioned them in an above comment.) And to the people who she works with and interacts with on a daily basis I'm sure she is viewed as quite mature. Her blog is her place to let the inner stuff out, so I'm guessing not everything we see here is displayed to the world at large in her day to day life.
Isabelle says
melissa, where were you when i was in high school?! haha.. i WISH more people would have talked about virginity in a positive light when i was younger. now that i'm older, though, it doesn't really feel necessary to talk about. i'm in agreement with amy… the older you get, the less being a virgin or not being a virgin matters. that's one of the greatest parts of getting older, i think. one tends to feel less self-conscious.
i do hope that you continue to write about it; for your own sake, and for all your readers that might otherwise feel uncomfortable to talk about it.
Anonymous says
I agree with everything Jane is saying.
Melissa, you are an open book. Nothing you say on your blog is new. You recycle the same stories and events over and over. That's fine, its your blog. But we can only hear the same thing so many times before we can be like "HELLOOOOOOO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT."
Anonymous says
And to the poster who said that nobody talks about sex when as they get older – who the hell are you hanging around?
I'm pushing 30, and whenever my girlfriends and I get together we always talk about bedroom activity with out significant others. There are some really funny stories to be told, and we are always asking questions like "Does your man do this too?"
Tammy says
Melissa, I'm kind of late on this one but here's my 2 cents. You've got more support than critics. Most people who are not virgins wish they still were because they had some nasty, good-for-me-don't-care-about-you type of sex. And those pushing you to "jump" on the first thing that comes along are those that did just that and can't come to grips with it. I can't say I regret any of my decisions, because they brought me to where I am now. I'm happy with me, and when you get happy with yourself, that's when others take notice. You can't say, "Prince Charming will never come along," because he most certainly will.
I think the way that you handle the negative comments and look at yorself from the perspectives of others marks you as more "grown up" than those commenting negatively. What do you think?
T. Love says
this is great!! i had a friend who go so pissed with me because a friend asked about it and i told him she was a virgin. I can understand her desire for privacy, but her big issue was that she's the only virgin out of our group. ARE U KIDDING ME??? No, I don't think there is a taboo on virginity but society thinks differently.
Melissa Blake says
Thanks, Tammy, your words mean a lot.
And to Anon — I can only hear you say the same things over and over before I can be like, "HEEELOOOO, my blog is one of mlllions on this great Web highway. No one is forcing you to read it. Why not go find one that's more to your liking?"
Anonymous says
i'm 26 and a virgin. i'm not saving myself for marriage or anything, but i've just never felt like it was the right thing to do, so saying no has never been very hard. i agree w/you that it's somewhat of a taboo, and i do feel judged sometimes 'cause of this culture we live in. but i've always been very open about it and i love that u are too 🙂
– ann
Faux Trixie says
I'm the poster who doesn't talk about sex all the time with my girlfriends. I don't know, I guess it's just not that intriguing of a topic to all of us. Further, I feel like kind of a huge bitch going around discussing what the man I love and I do behind closed doors and/or making fun of him.
Jane says
Taken from your blog: "This is the sometimes funny and always honest story of an average woman living life and looking for love with a not-so-average physical disability called Freeman-Sheldon Syndrome."
I personally come to this blog waiting for you to look for love, but that's not what your blog is about. It's about you navel gazing, being close-minded to any comments anyone gives you that aren't ass-kissing, and tirading against men for not being interesed (even though you haven't shown that you are interested).
I asssume when someone puts their thoughts on the internet, they want commentary. Apparently you only want people to agree with you otherwise you don't take it into consideration, unless you are writng a post ranting and raving against what someone suggested.
You may as well stop asking readers what they think and instead write "Share your thoughts if you agree with me."
Anonymous says
Please do some research on a "Straw man agrument." Your retorts are not logical.
Melissa Blake says
The same can be said about you, Jane, and Anon. Seems I only see you two around these parts when you feel the need to put people down with your negativity just to make yourselves feel better.
As for what MY blog is about, I'm fully comfortable with its topic; looking for love doesn't always mean jumping the first guy you meet just so you can get over with it already.
hillary says
hello all, thought i would chime in. i am still a virgin and so blessed to be so. i am dating a very handsome man who is as well. what a pleasure to know we both have had the control to save ourselves. God created sex to show love, and that love shouldn't be shared with short-term commitments. real love is loving through pain, suffering, and annoyingness.
melissa, you are wonderful to talk about this.
Faux Trixie says
Interestingly, I disagree that God created sex as a way to express love. Sex is for procreation, pure and simple. Every other species, aside from dolphins, uses it for that and nothing else. It is only humans (and dolphins) who attached pleasure and emotion to it.
Anonymous says
You are so opposed to criticism, its really sad.
I haven't seen anyone be "mean" to you, its just thoughts on things you have said. Not sure what kind of friends you have in real life, but my friends are I are always giving each other constructive criticism. To tell someone ALL. THE. TIME. that they are "so amazing" and "doing a great job!" or whatever else, would be a lie.
Like Jane said, I'm also waiting for you to find love because I would love to see what you think/write about love when you are actually IN love. It isn't sunshine, puppies and songwriting. It's a LOT of work.
Melissa Blake says
Hmmm, by criticism, do you mean the kind that attack's someone's personal choice? And do you mean criticism that comes from the same person (who is too afraid to share their name, instead opting to hide behind a cowardly shield) over and over, a person whose sole purpose as a commentator seems to be to criticize, and obviously needs to invest in a happy pill or two?
If that's what you mean by criticism, they yes, I won't take it. Ever.
P.S. I'm sure you'll respond with some sort of inane retort since you seem to be the type of person who likes to have the last word. So, go ahead. You can have the last word. You're not worth it.
Anonymous says
You really need to read over these comments more carefully. NO ONE attacked your character or your choices. It is just sad that you are so defensive and close-minded to other people's thoughts.
Anonymous says
Have you ever checked out FWD/Feminists with Disabilities. As a feminist and a woman with a disability, this has been one of the most comprehensive blogs I have ever read about PWD. It covers all the barriers to access for people with disabilities, including myths that disabled people just aren’t sexual. You don’t have to have had sex to be considered a sexual being(which is why I think the whole virgin/non-virgin question is a bit of a red herring).
http://disabledfeminists.com/2009/10/25/disability-and-sexuality-101-or-do-disabled-people-have-sex/
On a another note, I find a few of the comments made by the self-identified virgins here to be highly judgmental. Not everyone who has sex before marriage gets pregnant. Not everyone who has sex before marriage gets an STD. There is such as thing as having a healthy sexual life, both inside and outside of marriage. I never thought of my virginity as a gift to anyone. Period. To me, virginity as a “gift to be saved” just reinforces the notion that women are chattel and that virginity is a hot commodity to be bargained away. It also entrenches the heterosexist hegemony that all sex = male/female relationships.
I think that the narrow binary discussion of virgin vs. non-virgin dismisses and invisibilizes the experience of people who have been raped and abused. (ie; the “damaged goods” trope.) Some people never have the chance to “save” their virginity. To perpetuate the myth that virginity is something that you must “preserve” entrenches the shame that many abuse survivors feel.
Melissa, as a journalist and a PWD, you might also want to check out this Bingo Card
http://copleywoods.com/disabilitybingo2.pdf
designed by PWD’s to combat the tendency for the media to write patronizing and “inspiring” stories about PWD’s who have “suffered”, “overcome“, “triumphed over” ad nauseum their “poor” situations. The Bingo cards do an amazing job of exposing the way the media likes to exploit and objectify PWD as sources of “inspiration” just for leaving the house each day and carrying on with life. As someone who studied journalism, how do you feel about the Bingo Card? I really think it could be more useful and empowering to go after the sources of myths and stereotypes and deconstruct the way they get churned out over and over again as “truths“. I think it could be much more empowering that to always target and berate “boys” for not seeing past your disability.
Anonymous (the other anonymous)
Anonymous says
In your Date Daily piece, you said that being a virgin is your choice. It's not. No guy has ever shown any interest in you. You've never been out on a date. I bet Marine Boy never looked past your wheel chair or your Play Doh face. It's not taboo to be a virgin. I belive you should wait for the right guy. But don't make it sound like your virginity is a choice. You've never had the opportunity to lose it.
T. Love says
some of you people take this commenting shit way too far. Excuse my French. But what gives you the right to disrespect somebody like this? 95% of you wouldn't have the balls to say any of this to her face. Grow up already damn
Melissa Blake says
Hi Anon — thanks for those links. I'll definitely check them out.
Also, I've written about dating with disabilities for Online Dating Magazine if you'd like to check them out…
http://melissabxoxo.blogspot.com/search/label/Dating%20With%20Disabilities
Melissa Blake says
P.S. For the record, my Play-Doh face is dayum sexy, thank you…
Anonymous says
Anonymous said…
You really need to read over these comments more carefully. NO ONE attacked your character or your choices. It is just sad that you are so defensive and close-minded to other people's thoughts.
-Quoted for truth- by Anon #23875625
Anonymous says
I have to agree with Jane and the last Anon. A choice implies alternatives. You cannot rightly claim victory over temptation b/c you've never been presented with forbidden fruit.
Jamie says
Out of curiosity, what, exactly, is a Play-Doh face?