Dear John (*cue sappy music):
It is with a great sadness and a heavy heart that I write this letter to you. Do you remember the days when we used to run through the halls of our high school? Or how about when you told me my body was a wonderland and that you’d never let my head hit the bed without your hand behind it? And when you told my father that he should be good to me because I’ll be a mother someday? Well, you just made me fall in love with you, didn’t you? It was almost as if I couldn’t help; your charm and alluring mystique were simply too powerful to resist.
My gosh, it seems like it was just yesterday, doesn’t it? But, sadly, those happy days are gone. I’ve been given a hard lesson in battle studies, and I’m sorry, but I just don’t see us having a future together. It was fun while it lasted, but as all good love affairs go, some eventually have to come to an end.
I won’t lie and pretend it was me so your ego won’t be bruised. The truth is, well, it’s not me…it’s you. Or, rather, it’s some interesting revelations you shared in a recent cover story for Rolling Stone.
“All I want to do now is f–k the girls I’ve already f–ked, because I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them, and they’re going, ‘But you’re John Mayer!’ So I’m going backwards to move forward. I’m too freaked out to meet anybody else.”
Wow. Talk about a less-than-tasteful mouthful of a revelation, huh? And here I thought I was the all-too-honest, over-sharer.
We’re done. That’s fine by me. But what’s this I hear? You’re friends with Taylor Swift? Is that what you young people call it in Hollywood these days?
I actually feel more sorry for you. Taylor’s got a good head on her shoulders. She doesn’t pull any punches. That girl can take care of herself. If you break her heart – which you probably will (have you ever seen a therapist for your commitment problens?)– I can guarantee that you will be forever immortalized and mortified in one of her songs.
You’ve already broken enough hearts here, John. Please don’t go and break Taylor’s too. She’s too sweet of a girl for that.
P.S. You know, we’re a lot alike. My disability seems to make it impossible for other people to believe I’d actually be interested in them. Your rockstar status must be that burden for you. So in a weird, twisted way, I suppose I get it. Really, I do.
[Photos via Rolling Stone]