MEMO TO MEN: Lowering My Standards?

TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: Good things come in unconventional packages.
DATE: February 16, 2010

The basics today, boys:
*I am someone you will definitely regret not lusting after one day…trust me.
*The days of viewing and treating people with disabilities as if they were second-class citizens is over. Placing them at any sort of lower standard is just downright cowardly, disrespectful and ignorant.

So what brought us to this lesson? A little comment left last week in response to Pretend. Something tells me this commenter wasn’t pretending when he (or she…?) wrote…

Have you ever thought of setting your sights lower? Go for someone who can relate to your handicap b/c they are handicap? If you keep lusting after able bodied hot guys, you’ll never “kiss under the summer stars & full moon”

Really? There are people out there who think dating someone with a disability is “setting your sights lower”? Did someone issue a memo that I wasn’t CC’d on or something? Is this 1960? Oh wait. It isn’t.

So let me see if I got this right, since I obviously need to be held by the hand and led toward “my people’s area”…
*There are two lists in this crazy world called dating: One for normal people, and then another one for my people.
*The first list is strictly off-limits to me – no exceptions allowed.

Now, to some degree, I do agree with the premise: Of course I could 100 percent relate to a guy with a disability. But, come on, guys, is that really the only box I’m worthy of checking off when seeing if I’m compatible with a potential Mr. Right?
The same could be said if I were with a writer, a comedian (yes, I am funny!), the child of someone who committed suicide, someone who loves watching romantic comedies and guzzling down can after can of Barq’s root beer, someone who sings at the top of their lungs to classic ’80s power ballads and feels no shame whatsoever.

Boys, I really hope you don’t actually believe this to be true.

Love is not linear, it’s not predictable, it’s not a “check-a-box” and easily find your perfect match. I don’t care what those eharmony commercials say.

Bottom line: Love isn’t some scientific, sterile concept. And no one will ever be able to make me believe that it is. It just saddens me, reslly. In a world where I like to think people’s preconceived notions about people with disabilities have moved beyond the archaic, caveman mentality of “stick with your own kind,” I try desperately to let my guard down, to believe that not all people are like that, that society has somehow moved at leaast an inch forward in the last decades. And then it’s commenter like this that come along and make me wonder, “Have we really even moved forward at all?”
All I ever want in love – and I’m not talking strictly about romantic love here – is to be surrounded by people who I think make the world a better place just by being in it. Whether they are disabled or not doesn’t even factor into the picture for me. It’s sad to see that it still does for some people, isn’t it?

Just like I wouldn’t date someone solely based on the fact that we both have red hair, there are so many more factors that go into knowing a guy is the one you want to kiss under the stars.

Maybe I’m just naive, but I’d like to believe that anyone could have a chance to be with anyone they want. Not because of what you are, what you do, your status…just because of the person you are.
It just goes back to that battle I’ve been waging in my mind for what seems like years. How do you walk that line (no pun intended) of just trying to be yourself when society is constantly telling you that you’re different? How do you reconcile that fact and say, “I’m just like you,” when those little four words can make you feel like the biggest con artist and trader in the world. How can you live in both worlds simultaneously? And why does there even have to be two worlds to begin with?

Summary: I can (and will) go after anyone I want, disability or no disability. And frankly, to say datimg someone with a disability is lowering my sights? That is just plain offensive and disrespectful.

Don’t think I’m going to stop trying to challenge the status quo – and ill-informed, blatantly offensive people like you – every damn chance I get. You know I’ve never taken well to people “putting me in my place,” so why would I want to start now?

Always remember this (it’s another one of my Melissa-isms): The greatest things in this world tend to come in the most unconventional of packages. Try taking a good, long look inside said package before you’re so hasty and quick to dismiss it, or label it return to sender, boys.

Am I making any sense here at all? Lowering my standards? One thing is for sure: I certainly wouldn’t lower my standards so much as to swoon over this commenter, should he, be, well, a he. There are just some things I won’t do.

[Photos via tweexcore and ache]


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Comments

  1. Cafe Fashionista says

    I'm sorry that someone left such an ignorant comment, Melissa. Why on earth should someone with a disability be relagated to dating others with disabilities? People are desirable in any form – disabled or not. I know plenty of deaf people who are married to hearing individuals. Why does it matter if your significant other is disabled or vice versa? I commend you for speaking out about this, Melissa; you only deserve the best!

    By the way, I had Candy from Divalicious Designs – http://divalicious-designs.blogspot.com/ – do my new layout. She is AMAZING! Very affordable prices; plus she had everything up in less than 24 hours. Highly recommended!! 🙂

    Reply

  2. Juliana says

    Melissa-I know you will never lower your standards because you have learned to love yourself. You know that you deserve just as much love as your heart can be filled with and that you will love just as deeply. We are all different, we are all flawed, we are all damaged…just trying to make our way through this crazy life. Your commenter apparently has missed the memo about beauty. He, I assume is probably carrying around an airbrushed copy of some lady who never ever exists except through the pixels of his computer. See that is just a picture–that is not beauty. Beauty is real–really is you, beauty is me, all of your beautiful readers. One day you WILL find a man who understand that it and it confirm why it would have never worked out with so many others. Thank you for your stunningly beautiful blogs, for your words, for your inspiration….for being you.

    I think you are just beautiful.

    Reply

  5. Linz says

    well and aptly said, melissa. your response is perfect, and may i say, much more classy than what i was thinking (yelling) in my head when i read the ignorant comment left on your blog. perhaps this person also thinks people who write with their left hands are possessed by demons and that asian people are all buddhists. so offensive, rude, ignorant, and low-class! not only is his/her suggestion to limit yourself to "your own kind" extremely putrid, but to suggest that individuals with disabilities are of a lower caste…?!? *fuming* i need to take a cold shower, lest my anger spill over and burn my office building down.

    sorry. i think you're a powerful, lovely, and uniquely poetic woman. and i'm glad this comment didn't faze you.

    Reply

  7. ♥lucy says

    people always told me i had to lower my standards when i was going through a rather-long single streak.

    i didn't listen to their advice, and now i am with a wonderful guy.

    and the implication that disabled means less than is just ridiculous.

    Reply

  8. Alicia says

    Melissa this is a great post! Anyone interested in dating needs to realize this lesson: never ever lower your standards. I recently had this conversation with my little sister so I was delighted to read this on your blog today. I do however encourage her to just date to date and sometimes you don't have to find "Mr. Perfect" but "Mr. Right Now" or "Mr. He makes me Laugh"…etc. xoxo

    Reply

  9. Anonymous says

    My husband is a gorgeous man, inside and out; but I don’t think I could handle it if he was disfigured or disabled. I know it’s an awful thing to say. Please don’t hate me, Mel. Love and attraction sometimes depends on the situation your used to. It doesn’t conquer all sometimes. I know I’m weak. And a coward. So I have to write this anonomously.

    Reply

  10. Georgina says

    I remember having a conversation with a woman friend about a relationship issue 14 or so years ago. I had been with my A/B boyfriend (now husband) for about 1 year. I couldn't even tell you what the issue was because it was such a common relationship issue (men/mars/women/venus blah blah – dirty socks on the floor, toilet seat up, who knows) – all I know is that it had NOTHING to do with me being disabled and him being A/B. At the end of my girlie rant, my "friend" said to me, "Well maybe you need to date someone more like you, you know, with a disability." What the? Yeah, our friendship didn't last much longer after that. I've been with my husband for over 16 years now. As for her, I heard that she got divorced about 2 years after she got married. Hmmmmm? – G

    Reply

  11. Andrea says

    I really hope anonymous Lord forbid herself ever have an accident that left her disfigured….how sad.

    Melissa, that person and the one that left you such a comment about "lowering standards" are so darn shallow it brings tears to my eyes because I am so MAD that people actually feel/think that way.

    You are a more beautiful person then they or many of us could ever wish to be…..

    Keep on rockin' your blog and YOU GO GIRL!!!!!! Prince Charming is on his horse and on his way to you…I'm just sure of it!

    Reply

  12. Jessi Haish says

    Melissa, I love your writing and I love you! This was an amazing rebuttal, and puts so much respect in my eyes for you. It was so inspiring, and I can take a lot away from your message as well as how you handled it. Beautifully, of course. You have no idea how happy I am and how lucky I feel to have enrolled in the Kaleidoscope!

    Much Love,
    Jessi
    jhaish.blogspot.com

    Reply

  13. Anonymous says

    I agree, no one should have to lower their standards, but there is something to be said for being more realistic with your expectations. There are very few "princes" riding around on white horses looking for women to marry. You are going to have to put yourself out there and do something that makes you uncomfortable at some point. I look forward to reading when you take action instead of making believe.

    Reply

  18. Elizabeth Marie says

    I think we're all kind of disabled in some ways. Nobody is "perfect" and maybe I'm missing the point, or naive too…but I'll stick with being naive. I want someone I can grow old with, not just a hot piece of man meat. 🙂

    Chin up, doll!

    Reply

  21. Danielle Riebel says

    ugh..Anonymous needs to go away! (ASAP)

    Melissa your blog has been incredibly inspirational for me and so many of the people I have shared it with. I know I don't need to tell you – because you've got it together, girl – but keep your chin up and don't let those *haters* get to you!

    Reply

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