Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:
I’ve been thinking (which you know I’m very, very prone to doing), and if there was one time in my life that I wish I had known you, it would be during my father’s battle with cancer and the aftermath of his suicide. Even more than all my years in the hospital and in doctor’s offices, I wish I would have known you when my father died. I wish you would have been there. Just to hold me if nothing else. It was a time of feeling very alone, afraid and helpless and hopeless for me. I imagine it would have been nice just to have you hand to hold.
And speaking of mt father, gosh, I wish you could have known him. You’ll probably hate to hear this, but I was a certifiable Daddy’s Girl. It was definitely bad. My disability sure had something to do with it, too…from the day I was born, my father was my legs. I know most daughters think their fathers are these larger-than-life superheroes, but it was actually true in my case. He made me feel like my disability didn’t matter, like I could live life in spite of it. And I did, with his help, whether he was holding me on the shores of the beach until he back ached from bending over (even then, let me keep playing) or sitting at our small dining room table night after night until I understood Boyle’s Law in chemistry.
What would it have been like when you met him for the first time? Isn’t that fun to think about? Though you’re probably a bit glad you didn’t have to go through the whole interrogation-by-the-father routine, aren’t you? It’s OK…you can admit it. I can tell you one thing, though: he was very protective of me. You would have been subject to a litany of questions that could rival the smarts of FBI agents.
When he was suddenly gone so fast, I couldn’t help but feel like a part of me – a large (and strong) part – died with him. And I miss that – I miss that girl I used to be. I’m slowly trying to find her again, and I think I will. Someday.
But my father and I? We just had this indescribable bond, and damnit, I hate it sometimes that I’m still so angry with him, though I’ll probably never admit that I hate this anger. So, right now back in 2010, I just want to apologize in advance for the many times I probably going to say, “I hate him,” when referring to my father. I may never let go of that defense mechanism. Is that a horrible thing for a daughter to say, Sweetpea? Please don’t think any less of me because of it.
And if I even get a little insecure of your love for me, or if I have trouble letting you in when we first meet? Well, I’m terribly sorry for that, too. Feeling like your father would rather be dead than be with his family – the people he loved so dearly – has brought up some trust issues for me, I’m slowly realizing.
I suppose in a way, I’m sort of glad you didn’t know me then. I was sort of a mess – very numb, just going through the motions of life. To this day, I still can’t believe I went back to college and carried on with classes and school work just two weeks after his death. Sometimes I’d feel like I was drowning. Other times, I just felt like crying. And still other times, I just wanted to curse his name.
But I do hope we’ll be able to talk about his suicide – not on the first date (don’t worry, Sweetpea!) – because whether I like it or not, it is definitely a part of my past, my present and my future. It has become a part of who I am. I look forward to your kind and sensitive comforting, and of course, your willingness to listen.
And yes, before you ask, I’ll probably miss him at our wedding, but I’m sure you’ll know what I’ll say (hint: it involves the word hate). Just know I don’t really mean it, even if I swear I do and tell you to stop telling me how I feel. But maybe we’ll feel his presence with us on that day. That would be comforting, wouldn’t it?
Oh my, why is writing this making me a little teary-eyed this morning? I love you. Until we meet…
i luv that you do this.
it makes me want to do it too. or write to my future daughter or son.
that's so sweet.
i'm so sorry that you had to go through that.
I love this "Letters To My Future Husband" series, the idea, the writing, the stories… it's just awesome!
And I keep feeling that they're getting better by the day, so please, please, don't stop =)
Thanks for you having such a great blog! 😉
This is by far my favorite letter.
I wish that my father was around to know who I would end up with (if anyone for that matter) of to see how my son turns out since he passed so suddenly a week shy of his 2nd birthday.
I get angry too, yet for different reasons. It may not have been quite as intentional, but I feel my father also sort of killed himself, with kindness. Not listening when doctors said "Don't eat this" or "you need to lose 50lbs"
I am going to hold a special place for letter #65.
Jamie Jenson says
This was beautiful.
such a touching letter!! i'm a daddy's girl also. always will be!
Melissa Blake says
wow, all your comments are so sweet! Thanks! I didn't intend for the letter to be so emotional, but once I started writing, I just couldn't stop! xoxo
Girl Japan: April Marie says
You truly have something fabulous going on here… I love the Diary series as well…..
And … Apryl.. that is so sad = (
Elizabeth Marie says
Oh Melissa. So sweet. You can tell that the words just started to flow from your heart. xoxo
Melissa Blake says
I love you guys for all these comments! xoxo
World Financial Group says
So sweet. You can tell that the words just started to flow from your heart.