Confession time: I’ve never watched ABC’s The Bachelor, but for some reason, I recorded the premiere last night. I’m not sure why exactly. Maybe to follow bachelor Jake’s journey to love. And then I remembered a little mission of my own I started last year.
I’ve always been bothered by reality shows that fail to show people with disabilities as people first. It bothers me even more when reality shows don’t feature women with disabilities. Ever.
Frankly, there’s just no excuse for it. And those dating shows have always made me want to scream at the television and say, “I am so much more real than her.”
What did I do? I wrote them an email, naturally, in which I said, in part:
I’ve experienced my fair share of life in my 28 years. Born with Freeman-Sheldon Syndrome, a bone and muscular disorder, I’ve had 27 surgeries, spent birthdays and holidays lying in a hospital bed and spent thousands of hours sitting in stark-white doctors’ offices. My only solace was the fact that many of those young doctors were quite charming and handsome, and maybe I did fall for a few of them, though, having taken quite a few psychology courses in college, I knew deep down that it was all just a case of transference.
But what haven’t I experienced? My first kiss. My first date. My first boyfriend. All the things I’ve listened to my peers shriek – and cry – about is something I have only glimpsed from afar. That’s not to say I’ve never been in love. I have. Quite a few times, actually. But where others let their own flaws and insecurities serve as an obstacle to love, my physical disability has served that purpose for me.
My story and honest voice would go a long way toward squelching some of the stereotypes and misconceptions people have about women with disabilities: That they don’t have the same needs and wants as able-bodied women and that their disability somehow takes away from the fact that they are, first a foremost, women.
So here’s what I propose: You fly me to LA or the locale of your choice. Put me in the center of 28 lovely bachelors and watch the sparks fly!
Who wouldn’t want to be the first major cable network to document the first date EVER of a 28-year-old? Oh, and I am also available for personal appearances and red-carpet events should the need ever arise.
In my naive mind, I thought ABC would pounce on this the moment they heard of me, but I think something (or someone — another jilted bachelorette, perhaps?) has disconnected our signal. Surprisingly, I haven’t heard a peep from them. Despite my email. With my luck, they probably put me on some watch-list or blacklisted me, fearing my strength, persistence and otherwise disarmingly charming personality, sense of humor and captivating eyes.
Maybe it’s too much of an innocent notion, but I like to think there could be so much more. There is potential for that show, not just a bunch of beautiful women and men clamoring for each other’s attention, crying over someone they barely know (note: If I ever did land on that show, #1 rule…never let them see you cry) and otherwise being a wasteland of vacuousness. I’d love to bring a a certain sense of charm and revived smarts to the show.
Is that such a bad thing to wish for?
I want to poke my head out of the water (much like that duck below) and scream, “ABC, you honestly and truly don’t know what you’re missing in this little package right here” (picture me smiling as I flauntingly trace my hands up and down my side…). 
But is that like trying to put a prostitute in a high-class designer dress and calling her a Lady of the Night? Or calling a stripper an exotic dancer? You can dress something up in something different, but at the core, you know you can’t change what it is?
What would you like to see changed on TV, especially in the way of how those with disabilities are represented?
[Photos via Sabino]
Awesome Readers.
Letters To My Future Husband: Letter #164.
Apryl says
You know what? ABC is NOT the only watched network on the planet, infact, I don't think I watch it apart from ABC Family it's siter station for 2 months out of the year.
SEND that letter to Bravo, to Lifetime, or even to VH1. Send it off to watchable networks who would without a DOUBT create something to chare yoru story and put you on the pedastal you deserve to be on.
Just a thought.
http://aprylsmindshowers.blogspot.com/
Apryl says
Wow I typod the heck outta that post. *insert corrections at will*
Melissa Blake says
Hey, Apryl – good idea! xoxo
Anonymous says
think it make sense to think many dating sites operate diffrently
Anonymous says
I wish a network would pick up a show like that. I know I'd watch. The Bachelor is so boring to me. PS Are you ever going to do a video blog?!
Cafe Fashionista says
I'm with Apryl! Melissa, I think you should crpe diem! Send that letter to every network! You have an amazing idea, and someone needs to pick it up. In honor of the new year, of a new decade – I'm keeping my fingers crossed!! 🙂
Couture Cookie says
Apryl is right – you'll probably have better luck with Lifetime and Bravo. ABC doesn't have any money: they will not put a cent towards anything that is not already tried out and known to generate viewers and revenue.
Of course, what I'm really hoping is that you'll have your first date off-camera and not on a reality show. I'm old-school, dreamy and romantic like that. 🙂
Much love! /M
KM says
TLC would probably love that kind of show! That sounds WAAAAY more interesting to watch than the bachelor 🙂
Romantic Guy says
Amazing post! I totally love your site. I'm sure I'd visit here more often. Anyway, feel free to drop by my site as well. It's about valentines day gift ideas for him. Catch you there sometime.
Anonymous says
I read this post and the other one about the beautiful people web-site and it made me want to offer a bit of a question/ perspective…I hope that is OK with you.
Gandhi said we need "to be the change we want to see in the world." I like your site and think it is pretty and all….but that's just it. All the photos you post depict young women. Most all of them are white, with what I would guess are size 2 figures and perfect skin. As a woman with a disability myself, married to a "normal" (haha) man for 10 years, I see nothing in these photos that I can relate to. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, but the romantic images that you post send the message that romance is only for size 2 white women with lovely hair. Isn't that what you and I both have to fight against when it comes to redefining who gets to hook up with whom. Have you ever thought about diversifying your images to be more representative of all the things you want others to believe about "ugly duckings"? If we, as women with disabilities, want society to accept our bodies as they are then we have ask ourselves, how are we perpetuating the Beauty Myth ourselves, in our words, or actions. I hope you consider this as a challenge and not a criticism. You have tons of readers, you are bright and you have a good design esthetic. Why not make your blog show real people, instead of the typical body-type that both ABC and beautifulpeople.com seem to be fixated with. – S
Melissa Blake says
Thanks, everyone!! Next week I think I'll send that little letter around to some other networks.
I'll keep you posted!
Amanda says
could you respond to the previous comment? i've been wondering about what the images you use, too. especially with who you choose for man candy monday. any insight into why you only display people with a certain standard of beauty would be really interesting for you to think about and answer. like anonymous said, please don't become defensive and think of this as a criticism. it is a sincere inquiry into how much we all continue to reinforce a societal ideal even if intellectually we don't buy into it.
Melissa Blake says
Thanks for your question. Regarding Man Candy, I choose guys beyond the scope of just their looks — last week, part of the reason I chose Dr. Drew was because I find his intelligence to be incredibly sexy.
As for the photos I choose, sadly, if you look on many of the photo sites (i.e. tumblr), people with disabilities just aren't represented. The photos I choose are meant to represent more how I feel and my inner emotions as opposed to promoting an unrealistic and superficial ideal of beauty.
Does that answer your question? xoxo
Anonymous says
Maybe you could ask readers to send you their real-life pictures. Stock photography, I agree, is not the best place to find a diverse range of shapes, sizes and ethnicities. Even the rare depiction of disability on those types of photo sites are generally pretty narrow.(ie; a size two, white woman with perfect hair and skin sitting in a wheelchair). You and I both know that this is not what being disabled looks like. Why not see if your readers could help you find more diverse images, maybe even send you pix of themselves. I would consider sending you a photo of me with my disability and my husband (non-disabled) but only if I knew if would be used for the greater good. What about different approaching advocacy organizations organized by people with disabilities. Indeed, we (women with disabilities) have been left out of the mainstream media, there's no doubt about that. But we are everywhere.
On a side note, do you know of any other bloggers with disabilities? I'm starting one of my own and I'd really like to meet others. Which bloggers and forums do you recommend to connect with as part of the disabled community? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Melissa Blake says
Hi there — I'd love to hear from you! Email me at mellow1422@aol.com and I'd love to swap stories!