MEMO TO MEN: Hey, I’m New At This Love Stuff, OK?

MEMORANDUM
TO: Men all over the planet
FROM: Melissa
RE: A little refresher
DATE: December 8, 2009

Hello, boys. I included this in a Letter To My Future Husband, but let’s face it: I need to cast a wider net and reach a larger audience for this message. Because it needs to be told. I’m always amazed at people who are ashamed of admitting things when really, there’s nothing to admit. The word admits seems to imply something so shameful that you feel like you have to keep it hidden forever. How sad is that, boys? I mean, really? Is there anything sadder?

Now, I know. You may think to yourself, “Wow, this makes the poor girl look absolutely pathetic.” And to that, I respond, “Or, I’m incredibly attractive for my brutal honesty.”

Yes, that’s it. I’m going to go with the second option. And so should you, boys, so do read on…
I’ve never had a boyfriend: Trust me, I’ve met plenty of guys I wish would have turned into boyfriends, but nothing ever materialized. I often wondered: Is it my disability? Maybe they just don’t want to be with someone like me, and why would they when they could have their pick of beautiful women? Women who could probably do a lot more than I could. I’ve also thought about the day when I do end up with someone. What’s the protocal for telling someone they’re your first? If I say “first,” the guy is probably going to think sex (which, if you know me, won’t be happening until we’ve got that marriage license in our hands!), which would be awkward enough in itself. But how do you tell a guy that he’s your first boyfriend (and leave out the phrase “well, my first boyfriend who reciprocated my feelings and wasn’t just some fantasy relationship I carried on in my head?) without completely scaring him — and perhaps scarring him for life? The guy might feel some sort of high expectation, or at the very least, wonder what the heck is wrong with me. I won’t have an answer to that second question, I don’t think. But it would be sort of sexy if he were completely unfazed by the whole thing. Hint, hint.
I’ve never had my first kiss: I can’t help but think this too has something, even if it’s only a little something, to do with my disability. I’ll admit that my face is, well, a bit different than most. But really, is it that unkissable? Inside scoop: I do have very, very soft lips. Really soft. But you should know that they’re not open for business to just anyone; there’s an extensive screening process. It’s sort of like an exclusive club to which I pass out the membership badges. Samples will be taken back to the lab for analysis, though; you can be sure of that.
I’ve never had my first date: See, I figure this is my problem: I’ve always waited for the guy to do the asking. Being an old-fashioned gal (I would have been a perfect 1950s poodle-skirt girl), I somehow thought it would seem desperate, needy and uncooth to take the bold first step. So I waited. And waited. And while I waited, I couldn’t help but wonder: Is it that guys just don’t want to ask me out because I’m so ugly, or is it that they want to but are nervous and intimidated? Seriously, I am the LEAST intimidating person that you’ll ever meet. I’m one of those girls who loves to just shoot the breeze and chat; I could literally do it for hours. Anyway, I’ve always wondered what my first date would be like – I mostly wondered this as my school chums were actually experiencing their first dates while I was hooked up to an IV on the hospital – thank goodness for those hot med students! So maybe it’s time I started doing the asking, huh? If nothing more than to see the look on their face – priceless, I’m sure. And FYI to potential lucky guy who DOES end up asking me on my first date: I’m not one of those girls. The date doesn’t have to be some fancy, extravagent thing. Really. I’m pretty easy to please (NO, not in that way. Geez.).

I have no doubt that these things will, of course, happen to me, all in good time. Why rush it, though? Why not just enjoy the journey along the way?

What are some things you’ve never done that you’ve always kept secret? It’s time to let those secrets OUT!

[Photos via nothing is impossible]