Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:
I’ll just admit this up front: If you’re one of those anti-emotional, anti-touchy/feely (no, not in that way, Sweetpea; when will you ever learn?) types, you’ll probably just laugh or roll your eyes at this entire letter. Even I admit it’s a bit of a cheesy one (albeit cheesy of the lovely cheddar variety), but I’m hoping my passion and charm will at least make you smile, even if only slightly.
Do people still use keys wherever you are? I know, strange question. But Heaven forbid if we don’t meet until I’m in my 80s with an Oxygen tank strapped to my back (on a side note, I’ve always dreamed of frequenting Oxygen bars or even having my own little supply of this lovely element on hand; some people dream of inhaling cigarettes – I dream of inhaling the life-sustaining goodness of Oxygen in its purest form; call it another one of my delightfully quirky quirks).
Oooops, sorry, my love of Oxygen got me off track again. Anyway, what I mean about all this key talk is that I’m one of those old-fashioned romantics in that on our wedding day, I literally want to give you a beautiful key. As in, the key to my heart. I love the ones in the photos above – something really ornate. In fact, the first photo was actually the prize of a recent giveaway I entered. When they asked what you would do with the key if you won, I actually said (well, rather, wrote):
Save it and give it to my future husband, so he’ll always have the key to my heart…
Are you completely laughing at me right now? Well, stop it. Wouldn’t it be super cute if we got matching keys? Then, we’d always have the key to each other’s heart. And just so you don’t think I’ve gone all completely soft and snuggly: If I ever find out that you’ve stuck that key into some other woman’s heart while we were together (and no, Sweetpea, I’m not using the key as a metaphor here), I’ll rip your slimy key out of my heart and smash it with a large hammer. Then, I’ll take my key back and go find a man suitable and deserving of my love. And he’ll undoubtedly have a much bigger key than yours could have ever hoped to be.
But, you love me, so I’m pretty sure this scenario will just be a back-up plan. Until we meet…