Have you been keeping up with the comments pouring in about my disability essay on TheFrisky? There are some lovely comments there, and well, some not-so-lovely comments. As you may remember, in the piece, I said I appreciate honesty immensely. The only exception to that rule is when said honesty is just plain, blatantly wrong.
This comment immediately caught my attention a few nights ago (and FYI, I didn’t bother to correct the comma and apostrophe errors, but I did highlight my oh-so-very favorite parts for your easy reference):
I don’t know why the poster is asking the question when the answer is obvious, except to hear platitudes, but most people are not attracted to disbled people. Physically unattractive people are well, unattractive. Being really nice and funny just doesn’t cut it when it comes to romance. People don’t just want conversation from their partner, but an activity pal, someone who can take care of them, a sex partner, a wage earner, someone who if needed, can hold down the fort, someone who they feel proud to show off to their friends. I’m sorry the writer is lonely and having a difficult time, and it is unfair, but people go for the best mate they can possibly attract and a disabled person just can’t compete in looks, health, often in sex, income, activities, routines, and ease. Mostly though, I think its the looks. A deaf supermodel would not lack suitors.
Oh, lordy. It seems I’ve been living under a rock for the last decade. Frankly, that’s the only way to explain why I haven’t heard this new bit of shocking news about my people (yes, I call them my people; don’t you have people, too?): Apparently, we’re unattractive, sexless hollow, stone being.
I don’t buy for one second that whole evolutionary theory. And what’s more, I’m not sorry for chucking it out the window faster than a swine-flu tainted napkin, either.
I’m not sure what’s more demeaning and more deplorable: men’s excuses of being lazy, or people in general just accepting that “this is the way things are.”
The (honest, honest; remember, I don’t deliver it any other way…) truth: Women and men with disabilities can be and certainly are attractive. So we might not be society’s glamorized version of what gorgeous and beautiful should be, but honestly, when you think about it, who really is?
I suppose I have to believe, at least for my sake, that there are people (especially guys) out there who are above this, who see past those evil superficialities. It’s not that I’m trying to delude or convince myself into believing something that isn’t true. I don’t live in fantasy land. I understand that the world can be a very cynical and superficial place, but it doesn’t have to be like that. I suppose I have to continue hoping that it doesn’t have to be like that, at least.
Now, I might be in the minority here, but that’s OK with me. I’ve lived my life in the minority for 28 years, and you know what? The view isn’t all that bad. I think I’ll stay right where I am.
[Photos via Naive]
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Love Lounge: Who are you?
...Seyma... says
Melissa, i totally agree with YOU, not that queer comment-writer.. yeah, you should exactly stay right where you are.. the reverse would be nonsense!! never mind.. loving ALL te people is what matters..
best.xoxo.
Nahl says
I think it's bullshit that people choose who they love depending on what's the best they can get. I am sorry but that's not the way. I didn't choose my bf because he is going to be the best one to hold the fort, or sexually, or financially, or looks wise. I chose him because I love him. I think a lot of other readers reading this can say that about themselves.
If I were to fall in love with a physically disable person, I'd first need to A. move away from my initial stereotypes abt them (which your blog has removed), and B. convince the world that I won't be lacking anything-but then again, that is if u give a damn abt the world.
A lot of people WON't be able to fall in love with "your people" but that's failure on their part, and doesn't have to do with the ENTIRE world. I don't know if i'm being delusional or what.
AlpHa Buttonpusher says
{She didn't mean anything bad by it I'm sure, but my moto is if you can't say something nice keep your mouth shut.}
The truth is that some people have to work harder for love. But there is enough love to go around.
xoxo
A.
AlpHa Buttonpusher says
P.S. Being really nice and funny just doesn’t cut it when it comes to romance. – this part is serious nonsense because that is EXACTLY what most smart people are looking for.
Anonymous says
You are an ostrich. Would you say that how someone looks is not at all a criterion for someone being attractive? What percentage of the whole package would you say it is? Because you seem to be saying that if it's at all a factor for someone, they're shallow and superficial.
It takes personality and looks to attract someone, not just one or the other. People aren't bad because they find Melissa Blake unattractive or unsexy even if the only reason they do is because of how you look. People can't help what they find sexy. It's automatic.
Personally, I find your personality repugnant and I think you are tragically unfunny, so even if I could get past your condition, I wouldn't want to.
Lola says
It's sad but horribly true, that a lot of people really just aren't strong enough to fall in love with someone who has a disability (or more than one). Let's not deny it – living with a disability can be very challenging, regardless of what that disability is. I really admire "your people" because you do have to put up with the superficiality of society more than most and I personally feel that it is dreadful. Love isn't about physical attraction (although it does help), but I wonder how many disabled people that person has ever encountered?
Sorry if this is making no sense – just to be clear here: I totally agree with you. I'm just not always very good with my words and punctuation 😉 I hope you'll forgive me of that.
Being really nice and funny just doesn’t cut it when it comes to romance.
I was appalled when I read that. I think generally when smart, non(or less)-superficial, people fall in love with someone it's because they find their company to be intellectually stimulating and fun. Looks may still help, but they take a back seat.
I think too, it's important to remember that "disability" can be a broad term because it can cover both socially and physically. I'm a classroom assistant at a school specifically for children up to 18 with autism. It is a challenging job, but can I tell you, I've never met more beautiful children.
As for what Anonymous said, I don't believe you were saying that looks are completely non-involved, because obviously to a point they are, but I believe there is beauty in everything, and I believe that indeed, people with disabilities can still be just as beautiful as those of us who don't have such challenges to make us stronger. Also I found them to be quite rude, but each to their own.
Thank you for sharing this and sorry my reply jumps all over the place.
xx
Cherie Goodpasture of "Only Admit One" Copyright 2009. All Rights Reserved. says
There is someone out there for everyone. Obviously the person who made that comment is going to get a very shallow someone…but in his case that sounds like what he deserves! We were all created with a unique personality, look, and spirit. I believe that finding love is finding the person that perfectly compliments your personality, look and spirit. And that someone is out there for EVERYONE!!!
Recessionista Genie says
Wow, what a rude and unfeeling comment. Of course there is an element of physical attraction necessary in a romantic relationship. Duh. But as someone with a psychology education, I can say that human attraction is extremely variable from person to person, and ever-changing within each person. Also, getting to know a person and liking their personality actually makes them more physically attractive to you. That's a psych fact.
Besides, when seeking a mate, we're seeking a very specific market (just one special person), not the approval of the general public. If 99 shallow d-bags are so turned off by the way you look that they don't even try to get to know you, and one awesome guy takes a chance and falls in love, that is 100% success for you.
Here's some blunt honesty for you: Frankly, there are loads of BUTT UGLY couples out there who love the crap out of each other, happily ever after, and have a million ugly babies. And I think that's beautiful. 🙂 Much more beautiful than a modelesque, shallow, hateful person who gets laid easily. Whoopty doo, that's original.
I have a question for you, Melissa Blake, and maybe you can answer it for me. Or maybe another person reading my comment can. I'm interested in creative writing, especially romance novels with an empowerment twist. Can you recommend any novels (with at least an element of romance) starring a disabled hero/heroine? I'm interested in the concept, and I haven't read much of anything that fits that model. Oh, and the slightly klutzy otherwise-perfect girl in Twilight doesn't count. 😉
jprp says
umm, wow! I dont think this person has actually ever been in a relationship! otherwise they'd have quickly learnt that looks cant hold a relationship together! theres got to be a hell of a lot more there than looks!
OK, hows this situation then? Ive been with my husband for 12 years, in that time he had a terrible accident and now has a permenant disability, he cant provide for me anymore, he cant "hold down the fort" for me, he's not an activity pal anymore, but he IS physicaly attractive TO ME, he takes care of me, we have the greatest, heart felt conversations, he's my rock, and at this hard stag of his life, i'm his support. Should i leave him because he's no longer the "whole package" nope, to me he's a much better wrapped package now than ever before, i'm actualy thankful for his disability and the way its changed how we look at life. keep up the great work melissa, let the haters make you stronger.
Melissa Blake says
JP, you just wrote EVERYTHING I've been thinking. I hope I find a guy as sweet as yours someday. 🙂
Ann says
Wow… Well, I guess it's one perspective. Personally, looks aren't what attracts me- confidence does. Add to that a kind nature a sense of humor. Oh and good hygiene. You could be the hottest person in the universe but if you're ugly on the inside then you're just plain unattractive.
Berry Quiñones says
just ignore them, everybody has something beautiful about them and when the right person comes along they'll point it out to you and love you for it. whoever made that comment to you is just plain rude, i dont know why anyone would have such a cold heart to say something like that…everyone is beautiful but everyone is disabled too, you have a disability but so does that rude person: thier disability is that they cant see past themselves and seem very closed minded.
falling in love with a disabled person is just like falling in love with a "normal" person, we're all human 🙂 just ignore that baka.
jprp says
hope you do too Melissa xx
Tina says
In regards to Recessionista Genie's request for book suggestions: I tend to pay more attention to books that have characters with mental disabilities than ones with physical disabilities, so the only one that I can think of is A Very Long Engagement by Sebastien Japrisot and Linda Coverdale. I've never actually read it, but my mother has. The heroine's disability is actually more extreme than it is in the movie adaptation, in the book she can't walk at all. It might also do you good to read the memoir The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, but I think that should be required reading no matter what.
I find anonymous' comment to be really condescending. A wage earner, a good sexual partner, someone a partner can be proud of…who says that disabled people can't be these things?
Micheal says
Hey, that’s a clever way of thiinkng about it.
Recessionista Genie says
Thanks for the tip, Tina. I will check out those books.
Melissa Blake says
Recessionista — you post an interesting question. The only book I can think of (fiction) that has a character with a disability is The Glass Menagerie. It's actually one of my favorite plays, though the woman with the disability is portrayed as a homebound invalid. Though that may have had something to do with the time period in which the play was written.
And I totally get what you mean about Bella Swan. I love her character, except for the fact that I wish she was a bit more independent.
I came of age during the whole Buffy Summers/Girl Power movement, and I always have thought my favorite character would be someone like Buffy, only disabled.
Hope this helps! xoxo
Faux Trixie says
You spelled apostrophe wrong.
Dallas Shaw says
been reading through your blog. so cute
dallas
http://dillydallas.blogspot.com
Anonymous says
I love it when I post on here and people accuse me of never having been in a relationship and being overly focused on classical standards of beauty or looks. Anyone who knows me knows that this is ridiculous.
I don't think it really makes sense to accuse me of being rude due to my post. This is blog is a publication, by definition intended for the public, and it is directly tied into Melissa Blake's sense of humor and personality, both of which I find bland to the point of offensiveness. In addition to not finding her funny or charming, I feel like many of her viewpoints are naive at best and that she is outright in denial at worst. This isn't a diary with dozens of cheerleaders (though it often appears to be just that), this is ostensibly a work of art on the internet, which makes open ground for anyone to say anything about it.
-Bretzel Kremlo-
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Cash says
Hon håller i körkortet och fotar, tror inte hon la märke till vart hon höll. Vadå misnsatkar? orka ens lägga energi på att misstänka att hennes körkort inte är äkta. Kissie har lyckats vilket många stör sig på verkar det som.
John Goertzen says
This person should know, I have cerebral palsey, I'm an actor, a film maker, a composer, a conductor and an operatic bass. And I probably have more six in a month than they do in 5 years.