“Do you always want to be right?”
This was the question posed to me by my therapist a few months ago. Daunting, no? And frankly, a bit too blunt for my taste. Couldn’t he have been a bit more subtle and casually work it into the conversation? Or couldn’t he have asked me about my obsessive tendencies as a child, which of course, there were many of those – enough to probably take up a double or triple therapy session?
No. And apparently, he wanted an answer, like, yesterday because he just sat there. And I just sat there, thinking, in that quiet room. You’d swear you could hear a pin drop.
The thing that got me, though, is he seemed to think it was bad – heck, almost illegal – to want to be right all the time. I tried to play devil’s advocate with him. I’m sly like that.
“Isn’t it human nature, though, to have this instinctual need to be right? Who wants to be wrong?”
But the more I thought about it, the more it rang true. All my life, I’ve thought I’ve known what’s right. I had a clear sense of right and wrong and held on tightly to my principles. My moral compass was ever pointed straight ahead. I knew what I should do, knew what other people should do and never shied away from letting my opinions be heard. Why is it that life always seems to have other plans, though?
Last week marked six and a half years since my father’s suicide. And the more I think about it, the more I realize my Right Army seemed to charge even faster ahead after his death. I knew what was right (I’d known it all along): He was selfish. He should have thought of us. He didn’t have to die like that. And, most assuredly, we’re going to have to live with this pain he left us for the rest of our lives.
Or so I thought I knew it all. I was right. Right as rain.
That’s when my mother, like any good mother, kept posing the same question as my therapist, but with her own mother-like infusion: “Is being right more important to you than missing your father?”
I’ve realized in the last few months that my “need-to-be-right-at-all-costs” mentality is ultimately clouding the larger picture. It’s a scary place to be. All I want to be is positive and upbeat, but the second I even try, the cynical voice inside my head tells me it’s all just a facade, and it’s time to be realistic.
It’s not always right wanting to be right all the time. There has to come a point where you just throw your hands up in the air and say, “To heck with it. That’s life. It is what it is.” I think it may take me a little longer to get to that point, though. I’m on my way. That’s a start, right?
Maybe you’re a right-fighter too. I say it’s time that we put down our swords, took off our masks of armor and stop the crazy madness of trying to be right and make everything right. Aren’t you just a little bit exhausted? I know I am.
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septembermom says
Melissa, I think your mother showed so much wisdom in that question. We can't let our need to be right cloud over our chances to be happy and human in our relationships. Sometimes I think I fall into that trap too.
Kelly Muys Wood says
i love this post, because i was just thinking of this exact same thing. deciding to put down the sword is the perfect title.
kelly
http://tearinguphouses.blogspot.com
Amanda says
I used to always feel like I had to be right, or I had to be the best etc. But eventually, I just got to the point where I said "You know what? Who the heck cares?" There is no more of a liberating feeling than when you can be wrong and just say "it is what it is". Congrats, you have definetly made a start.
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Sandra says
I have been reading your posts for a while. It's refreshing to see you write a post like this because you are taking yourself down off the "I am right" pedestal. You do come across as cynical sometimes. However, I cannot judge because I too used to be that way until I realized that always arguing and having to be right just wasn't worth it anymore. Sometimes it is better to keep your mouth shut and just roll with the punches.
I hope the big picture clears up for you and you can take some time to relax instead of worrying about being right about everything.
Bella says
Very well said.
Christina says
Melissa,
Your post made me think and yes, I want to be right. I get so tired of being wrong. The world LOOKS for ways for people to be wrong. Someone has to be at fault. Someone has to be wrong and if it isn't them, then it has to be you and visa versa.
Three years ago I started going through a divorce. I was "put into a box" and felt I needed to do what he wanted to make him happy and in return I would be happy. The relationship was built around me being wrong and always trying to make right. I totally put myself aside. When I started to put me first and concerning myself what I was doing for me, I became selfish. He would yell and scream at me that I was selfish. How was I selfish by putting myself first or caring about myself? I can't be responsible for how someone else feels. I can only be responsible for how I feel. So when I quit managing his happiness, I became selfish because I cared about me.
I feel like I've rambled but things are often gray. Being selfish might be a way to try and gain self. Being right might be a way of trying to gain self.
Keep up the great posts.
Children of the 90s says
This is a really insightful post. I think sometimes it's just human nature to unintentionally develop defense mechanisms or coping devices that manifest themselves in different ways for everyone.
I think that it's not important to be right, it's important to be truthful to yourself. It is definitely exhausting trying to back up everything you've ever done with utmost conviction. We all go through these minor crises of realization, but it sounds like you're on a good path.
CrisS says
I really, really, but REALLY love your blog. For a couple of months.
I usually like the fun approach you take when you talk about relationships and stuff like boys and cute hats.
But now, I feel like you have let us see a little bit more and I thank you for that. I sympathize with your feelings, because I lost my two best friends because of my obsession with being right.
I know it is different to your story, but in my experience, at some point, I realized that what I lost by being secure in my rightness and pride was more of what I wanted to admit. And it hurts, specially because I dont think I will ever get those guys back in my life.
It took me a long time to realize that the right-wrong debate doesnt necessarily explain human life. We are full of unrational emotions and acts, and only a bit of compassion can save us from despair.
Thanks for a beautiful and honest post.
Cindy says
I think you have a valid point in it being human nature. The trick is really to stop thinking like humans and as something much higher and transparent. If that's possible, then being right seems futile and silly. I confess to being VERY stubborn and having my BFF break me from the habit with tough love. I realized it all came down to not accepting my faults nor any advice regarding the matter. Until one day I just listened… and life has been a little better because of it:))))
Melissa Blake says
What a lovely Monday morning treat to see all your wonderful comments. I was a little worried about how this column would come across, so I'm glad you all liked it.
xoxo
Anonymous says
Very good post.
Viewtiful_Justin says
I certainly am exhausted!