TO: Men all over the planet
RE: Ohhh, how tragic
DATE: September 29, 2009
To answer your question in one word: NO. Boys, the ’70s are over for many a varied reason: bellbottoms, disco, sequined jumpsuits. Oh, yes, and a little practice known as swinging. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Maybe you’ve tried it once – or twice or three times.
But, my boys, it’s over! Sure, people may have swinging parties or other sorts of under-the-sheets parties that I’m too much of a lady to speak of, but you know what I don’t need? I don’t need to see a shameless attempt by one poor – obviously unhappy guy – trying to revive said dying art – and no, that is not some coy euphemism. It’s the truth. You boys sure did disappoint me last week – in quite a big way, actually (and no, that is not another coy euphemism).
The scene: I’m quietly typing away in the college computer lab, completely absorbed in my own little thoughts when I first hear those giggles. I should probably preface this by saying that these were not your typical early ’20s college schmucks; oh, I know plenty of those.
No, no. After a few more all-too-forced giggles, I looked up – half annoyed to be thrust away from my train of thought.
And that’s when I saw the first images of the trainwreck. I’m talking full-on trainwreck here, the wreckage spewed all across the tracks, pieces flying everywhere. No one’s soul was spared in this emotional, sad trainwreck. A man in what looked to be his early 30s talking and smirking in that way to a perky, hair-dyed-red woman who looked to be a bit younger. The images and words of the next few minutes are sadly burned into my mind, but because I’m all about proof, I had the forethought to twitter the whole debacle. Let’s start from the depressing beginning (note: things only get worse from here…don’t say I didn’t warn you!)…
By golly! You’d think this guy had never met a member of the female species before. You’d think he’d just been given a large shot of testosterone and set free from the factory. All that, despite that fact that…
Wow, this guy is shameless. And what’s even sadder? I catch glimpses of him sort of puffing out his chest as if he’s some sort of Alpha Male Romeo. He is a dog, though, that’s for sure. I’ll give him that. Oh, but brace yourself for what came next…
They both laughed, and she began to describe her experiences and preferences as if she were discussing what she did over the weekend. Oh, wait. We all know what she did over the weekend. By this time, and keep in mind that it is before 8 a.m., as you can see from my evidence, I was rolling-on-the-floor laughing in my head. I laughed even more hysterically by this….
Whoa. Had I been transported to some seedy bar swirling with smoke and flowing with alcohol in some small Texas town? I half felt like I was on the sidelines of a pornographic film in the making – and boys, before you ask, no, I have never watched any sort of “exercise film,” as I like to politely call them.
So…let’s summarize the main points just so we’re clear.
**No, it is not sexy to discover the large amounts of alcohol you can consume
**If you’re going to try to pick up someone, never mind the fact that it’s cheating, at least be smart enough to remove your wedding ring
**Maybe, just maybe not all 20 other people in that room cared to hear of your sexual exploits
**We know you don’t actually read the articles in Playboy. You merely smile at the other articles – i.e. the lack of articles of clothing.
But then again, those are just some wild guesses of mine. So, remember, I’m watching you. If you ever try to pull one of these schemes over on me, I’ll give you a good exercise of your own — and again, no, that is not a coy euphemism.
[Photo via Le Love]