Yesterday, I explored the virginity stereotypes I’ve encountered over the years. Obviously, it was Completely false, fabricated and riddled with more foolishness than a carnival of clowns.
Marie Claire recently sat down with co-founder of Feministing, Jessica Valenti. They were discussing the release of her book The Purity Myth. I thought perhaps Valenti’s interview would give me some answers – or at least some intelligent insight. The interview disappointed me greatly. As a virgin reading the interview, it came across as Valenti’s attempts to demoralize and criticize virgins, as if we’re somehow the problem, as if we’ve given people, in particular, women who do have sex, a bad name.
It’s all our fault, apparently.
While I do agree with some of Valenti’s assertions, some of her quotes did trouble me. Let’s explore them, shall we?
“Virginity and chastity are reemerging as a trend in pop culture, in our schools, in the media, and even in legislation.”
Neither of these – virginity or chastity – ever left, actually. People just aren’t as afraid to openly talk about it now. Something tells me it was those very stereotypes that made it go into temporary hiding in the first place.
“The lie of virginity — the idea that such a thing even exists — is ensuring that young women’s perception of themselves is inextricable from their bodies.”
Actually, it has absolutely nothing to do with my body. It’s quite the opposite in fact. It has everything to do with me respecting myself as a person. The book acts like sex is no big deal. That’s the real threat to women in their fight to change the myth a woman’s true value is tied only to her body. Don’t worry, I’m not one of those “My body is a temple” people, but a woman’s body is hers. Why shouldn’t she be proud – and protective – of it? Why hop in to bed with any Joe Schmo just to prove that women are just as animalistic as men?
The main misconception of virginity is that it exists! There’s no medical definition. It’s a completely cultural invention. It’s such a huge deal and yet it’s so amorphous. There’s no real way to define it at all.
Wow, this one perplexed me the most. I just had to sit and stare at that quote for a minute or two. So by the same token, then, the terms slut and promiscuous, but you don’t deny that those exist. Interesting.
Finally she says that “America’s obsession with virginity is hurting young women.” I’d say the opposite it true. Women are constantly bombarded with sexual images every day, images that tell them that if you’re not doing these things, well, then there must be something wrong with you. You’re abnormal. You’re a freak.
“Lose your virginity already,” society practically shouts at them. It seems to me that the book – and frankly, society at large – underestimates the role a women’s virginity plays in her life. Maybe it’s just me coming from my perspective of being a virgin, but did you ever think someone’s virginity might, possibly be about something very deeper than sex itself? Feminism itself was founded on the principle that women hold the power to make choices and decisions that are right for them, regardless of the outward pressures they face. It’s not about trying to act superior, pure or some “morally elightened” woman. It’s not about “sticking it to the sluts.”
Shockingly – and probably surprising for a lot of people – it doesn’t have to do with ANYONE.
And what’s with this whole US vs. THEM mentality? Since when are virgins and non-virgns playing for opposing teams? It’s almost as if society wants to pit us against each other in some metaphorical boxing ring. Frankly, I’ll have no of it – I just realized the same can be said of my reasons for my virginity. See, we virgins aren’t bad people. Get to know us, and you might discover that we’re actually funny! Or maybe we’re just overcompensating? No, we’re most definitely funny!
Yes, a woman’s body obviously isn’t her defining characteristic. It doesn’t define her. Like my disability, one’s virginity is merely a part of them, not the part. It scares me when a society seems to be encouraging young women to do things before they’re ready. People – and this includes men too – need to go at their own pace.
I feel the same way about the subject of virgity that I do about my disability. Please don’t place me – or anyone (and yes, that does include non-virgins) – in your nice little categorical box.
Thank you.
Be sure to tune in tomorrow where I will tackle the male virgin – metaphorically, of course!
xoxo,
[Photos via Abby Sharp]
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Apryl says
It's a shame that people are too quick to judge people on their personal beliefs when it comes to sex. I always thought it was only the promiscuous that were thrust into the spotlight as shameful, and after reading your blog, and learning about how some narrow-minded people apparently view virginity, I find the whole evolution of sexuality disturbing! What right does anyone have to judge an individuals choices on virginity, whether it’s lost at 15 or 50? It’s between that person and whom they choose to share it with and them alone. I can't say that I was a waiter…however, my sibling was and well into her almost later 30s and she is happy healthy and now very much in love. And I, the non-waiter am not. Who's to say what's right, and who's to say whose wrong, but that is why as humans in nature we are given free will, and that right to choose is ours and ours alone, and no one should ever make us feel inferior for it.
XOXO
Faux Trixie says
Is this a re-post, because you are well aware of my feelings on this issue… I don't want to have to re-post them 🙂
Lauren says
I never really saw my virginity as any big deal. I didn't really hold onto it for any special reason – I just had never been in a serious relationship where I felt comfortable sexually. I wasn't holding onto it for my "one true love" or even for after I was married. I never really saw sex as a sacred ritual, reserved for my one and only, though. I lost mine when I was 20, in my first real relationship. I'd had several opportunities with flings, but I just wasn't that sexually comfortable with them.
I dislike the fact that society seems to look down upon virgins, and I hate it that people who have lots of sex are looked down on as well. Sex is sex – some people share it with someone special, and some people just love how it feels. Who are we to judge?
Breannaaa says
I really loved this. I admit I am not a virgin, and I admit that I am very regretful. You're completely right that society screams that we should lose our virginity "already". It's ridiculous. Not only is it society, it's boyfriends and girlfriends who are the peer pressures.
My parents never were big on the sex talk and I wish they had been. Some days, I think if they did give the "big talk", then maybe I'd still be a virgin. My curiosity wouldn't have been so piqued. Curiosity literally kills the cat.
Juliana says
I'd like to start out by saying that you're one of my favorite bloggers on this site.
Okay, now back to the topic. Thank you for writing these monologues! I'm in high school still, so I'm exposed to this kind of stuff every day. I've known girls who have lost their virginity in seventh grade; we're talking twelve/thirteen year old girls here. I agree with you and your comments about this book.
Like Lauren, I've never felt comfortable enough in a relationship to do anything, because, in reality, I'm still an awkward teenager. I may not save myself for marriage, but I'm saving myself until I know what I want and I'm sure of it.
Kristin says
I wish there was less judgment on both sides of the coin! We all should be free to make our own choices!
Recessionista Genie says
There is so much judgment and pressure both ways. I went to Catholic schools until 10th grade and then public school… and in college, I thought (wrongly, of course) that I must be the only virgin on campus. I was frustrated by feeling equally ashamed of my sexuality and of my inexperience.
I had a weird conversation with a guy I was getting to know. He saw in my laundry basket that I had an orange bra, which he thought unusual, and started asking questions about my sex life. When I told him I hadn't done it at all, he acted shocked. "You're a virgin?!?" he asked, in a tone that could have been used for, "You're a werewolf?" I said, "It doesn't mean anything." He said, "It doesn't mean anything? You mean you'd do it with just anybody?" (Awkward pause.) Obviously not… but it doesn't mean any specific thing, like I'm fundamentally religious or prudish or frigid or unattractive or whatever stereotypes are attached to the grandiose concept of Virginity. I just haven't done this one thing. So what?
Later, when I had sex for the first time, I was actually stunned that I didn't feel any different afterward. The whole thing had been built up ridiculously in my mind. The phrase "losing virginity" became absurd. I hadn't "lost" anything, nor had I gone through any kind of transformation. Whoopty-hoo.
What did I take away from all this? Taking care of our bodies and hearts is a big deal. But whether or not we've "lost" our "virginity" is a false measure of… anything. What we choose to do or not do with our bodies is important, but the concept "Virginity" is meaningless because it's unspecific and has nothing to do with motives, feelings, or contexts. The whole notion of attaching a label to a person based on the alleged state of their genitals is beyond tasteless to me.
In Catholic church, I always thought it was kind of gross that the Mother of Jesus was referred to by the untouched nature of her girl parts. Seriously, is that what's important? Rude! And icky!
What one woman does with her body should be her own business and not taken as an implicit social statement by everyone else. I wish that young girls did not feel pressured to have sex too soon, and I wish that girls and women were not made to feel degraded or less worthy by the act of having sex. A woman's sexuality should be hers to enjoy, and it should not be what defines her as a whole person.
Candace says
speaking from experience, the wait is worth it. when you find the guy you will spend the rest of your life with, no one else matters but him.
Melissa Blake says
what beautiful sentiments, Recessionista!
Kristie Lynne says
Here Here!
06mickey says
"Yes, a woman's body obviously isn't her defining characteristic. It doesn't define her"
I like that.