The jury has reached its verdict: I suffer from a hopeless (probably cureless) case of being brutally honest even in my dreams. There are no mixed metaphors, no objects meant to represent something else, no images of me standing at the edge of a cliff or me falling endlessly though the sky.
Nope. I surely don’t need Freud to help me interpret the dream I had a few months ago. Picture this: I’m in the hallowed halls of a high school (obvious interpretation clue #1). It’s practically deserted, except for a guy at the end of a long hall. I walk a little closer to get a better look at his face. Sure enough, it’s Crush Boy (obvious interpretation clue #2). And for what seems like an eternity, I’m screaming to him, “Hello. I’m right here. Why won’t you acknowledge me? Why won’t you acknowledge anything I’ve said in the last month?” (obvious interpretation clue #3).
Oh, how transparent have I become? As I look even closer at him, I can see he’s furiously trying to figure out the combination to unlock a locker (obvious interpretation clue #4). Hmmm, what could that mean, I wonder? Oh, I don’t know, that he’s so desperately trying to unlock his emotions because, oh, maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t have any???
And then, just like that, I woke up. I layed in bed for awhile thinking about that dream. Am I mad at him for basically failing to acknowledge my heart when I so vulnerably placed it at his feet? Or am I really mad at myself for just laying it all out there? You know what? I honestly don’t think people should have to apologize for their feelings, however they come out, even it’s not at the most opportune time. Sometimes, things just need to be said. Some things just get so bottled up that you have no choice but to set them free. But it doesn’t help that the one person you think is going to at least let you down easy instead makes you feel bad for even saying anything in the first place.
So, Crush Boy, if you’re reading this (and you probably are): It took a lot of courage for me to say things I’ve wanted to say for the last 14 years. I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable, but I suppose I needed to be honest – with you and with myself. Too often we’re afraid to say anything, so we end up saying nothing. Well, I said something…and the least you could do is acknowledge it. It’s obvious by now that you don’t share my feelings, but at least give me credit for doing something I thought I’d never do. At least have enough respect for me as a person to acknowledge my feelings. I’m not asking you to return them; I’m merely asking you to aceept them in the spirit with which they were given: out if genuine caring and bold honesty. Throw me a bone here!
xoxo,
[Photos via ffffound]
Tales From The Trenches: Tale #37
Childhood photos
SA Clark says
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You have to decide what you want to have happen and directly address it.
Anonymous says
I thought when he found out he asked you to hang out and you said no because you didn't feel that way anymore. What exactly do you want from the guy?
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Recessionista Genie says
But there is another interpretation to this kind of dream. I've had similar dreams about someone I loved very much.
In your dream, CB is not responding to you because he's engrossed in trying to unlock something.
Oh yes, clear symbolism there! 🙂
You interpret that as his inability to unlock his own feelings. However, another way to interpret a dream is to view all people in the dream as an aspect of your own consciousness. (After all, the dream and all its characters are being created by your own mind.) So instead of CB not being able to unlock his own feelings, perhaps it means that YOUR mind is not able to unlock the secrets of his feelings or words or actions.
When we dream of someone we have strong feelings about, usually that person either does something that we wish they would do (fantasy) or that we fear them doing (nightmare).
But what if your mind isn't sure exactly what YOU want him to do? Or what you fear from him?
Then his avatar in your dream would not be able to respond, because your mind can't supply his response.
I don't know if this is "the true" interpretation of your dream. But it's something to consider.
Journie says
Kudos to you for saying how you really feel – pretending gets us nowhere.
Cheers,
Journie
Jen says
I recently wrote a brutally honest truth to a past love. This letter was 14 years in the making. After tears and shakes with a touch of a sickly tummy, I sent it via yahoo. Immediately I felt better. Saying what I always wanted to say was by far the most liberating, brave act I have done in all my life. Not sure what will top it!
His response was exactly the same, only different verbiage. Do we ever get over our love for certain people? Ever?
I enjoyed your story today. And your truth. Hope he replies.
Anonymous says
I think you're just reposting old stuff lately…getting bored.
Melissa Blake says
oh, hello anonymous — you must not have noticed all my new (NICE) followers. I'm re-posting some of my classic posts so they can get a peek into what they missed and get to know me.
Anonymous says
Dear Melissa,
Thank you for reposting (just to clarify for Anon that it IS really helpful for your new readers). Like most of your readers, I appreciate your honesty and writing, and I truly think you should focus your affections on someone who appreciates this too. You deserve a good and loving guy and you will get him. Forget about the rest. They are not worth it.
Your fan,
Frances
faithful says
ur a very brave, incredibly self aware woman.