…and the story [continues]
I look at life not through the lens of feelings and love notes written on pink napkins or innermost thoughts divulged during a midnight intimate talk or chat.
The love of my life is science.
Science makes the irrational world rational. There’s theorems. There’s laws. There’s principles. There’s even a handy dandy Periodic Chart of Elements. All work to explain the world.
A problem arises. You address the problem. Evaluate the results. Make any necessary adjustments to said results. Decide the problem is solved. And move on.
It’s all as simple as that (picture me wiping my hands clean).
End of story.
But a quick perusal of my writing portfolio introduced me to a new girl. A brave new girl. This girl never shies away from honesty. She never tries to evade the truth. She never hides behind the mask of rationality.
She pours her heart and soul on to the paper. She lets the emotion bleed through. Sometimes it gushes like an open wound. And if the ink gets a bit messy sometimes, she knows she’s doing something right.
She’s right where she’s supposed to be.
I’m somehow Ms. Emotional on paper.
So why can’t I be emotional in real life? Somewhere along the way, I started to equate emotions with crying. Emotional people somehow can’t keep it together.
That wasn’t me.
Maybe I don’t like feeling vulnerable in real time. I put on my mask of rationality and use it as my own personal elixir against the world. Nothing can touch me beneath the mask’s cold exterior.
But I rip the mask off when I write. I strip everything down until all I’m left with are my metaphorical naked emotions.
And I sit with them whether I like it or not.
So on that walk home from counseling, it all became clear. Amidst the smell of burning leaves in the distance, I realized who I want to be.
I wish I could be that smart girl who writes these columns. If only I could listen to her. If only I could find the balance she so effortlessly pulls off. The tightrope she walks on, a thin line stretching exactly down the middle of rationality and emotions, keeps her ever poised and focused.
So is it possible in the end to be both? I’ll ask that girl. She’ll have the answer.