Letters To My Future Husband: Letter #23

Dear Mr. Melissa Blake:


My French Connection (don’t be jealous, by the time we meet, this will have been years in the past, I’m sure) once wrote about a girl he was dating. What I love about his description of their relationship is that he was able to put into words everything I’ve been feeling for so many years. He wrote:

She was the one not to put me on a pedestal, and to treat me like just a man with qualities and flaws. She was the one not to admire my looks, to put aside the appearances and see beyond the surface.

Isn’t that what we all want? It seems so much easier, though, for everyone but me to find that. Of course people say they can look past my disability and see the real me, but I can’t help but feel like their words are all in theory. It’s so easy to say something in theory, but when push comes to shove? Well, it just doesn’t seem all that easy anymore.

I’m 27 and can honestly say that I’ve never once felt wanted by the opposite sex. Not wanted for who you are and you alone, and certainly never as a specimen of any sort of physical beauty whatsoever (I thought my red hair might at least have gotten me a few nibbles on my metaphorical hook). I’ve never experienced that sort of yearning, at least the sort that came from someone else and were directed at me. I’ve had plenty of unrequited yearnings (but hey, haven’t we all?)

I don’t mean to complain, just merely putting the facts as I see them out there for all the world to see. I don’t like hiding. I don’t like pretending. I don’t like masking my feelings; I never have. If you’re constantly masking your feelings, it’s only a matter of time before someone rips that mask right off your face. I for one don’t want to be left standing there trying to explain things, so why not just put it all out there from the beginning, you know? Not as a way to burden people, but just as a way to let them know who you are. I’m slowly (sometimes very slowly!) learning not to be afraid in showing myself.

When have you felt this way? We should start a support group. Until we meet…

xoxo,

[Photo via KRISATOMIC]


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Comments

  2. Mustang Sally says

    I just stumbled across your blog this afternoon and I have to say that you give a person much to think about. We tend to take so much in life for granted. That's not a new revelation, of course, but very often we forget and need to be reminded. Thank you for reminding me.

    While nothing will ease the yearning for a complete love that you have, and while no words I say will make it any easier to bear how difficult it is for you to find a true and sincere gentlemen to share your life with, I would like to offer something to you that I've discovered (the hard way) in my 41 years. Love is fleeting. It comes and goes at the drop of a hat and while you may feel you can always count on a chosen person's love and devotion to you, don't ever bet the bank on it. The only person who will ever love you 100% without question is you.

    When you let go of the feeling that you need love in your life, that is usually when it comes along. Concentrate instead on finding strength in yourself, know that strength well enough to have it be the one thing you depend on.

    There is a quote that puts it simply, though I don't know who said it. It is, "Never make someone your everything because when they are gone, you have nothing."

    I have every confidence that someone will come along for you. He'll be someone very special and those very special ones are few and far between, and definitely worth waiting for.

    Reply

  5. Sarah says

    I just stumbled on to your blog from blogs of note. I love what your French connection wrote. What a beautiful desire.

    I would really like to encourage you to find perfect love in Jesus. He is the only one who will ever satisfy all of your yearnings.

    Be blessed.

    Reply

  6. ladytruth says

    This is the first time I've read your blog and congratulations on making a great first impression 🙂

    When I got to the end I was left with the feeling very similar to a the time I had a bag of cookies and whilst thorougly enjoying them (that means I stuffed my face in proper English), I stuck my hand in the packet for more and was left feeling only empty space 🙁
    That just means I didn't want the post to end.

    As I'm a fellow seeker of "The One", I understand and feel your pain. I will now be following your blog intensely (don't freak out I don't stalk, I just stare for very long) and enjoy the journey you are embarking on.

    Thank you for the good material; it was a pleasure reading all of it 😉

    Reply

  7. ToadMama says

    To MUSTANG SALLY… that was a long comment, but was very well said.

    TO MEL… I found you through Blogs of Note. You're one of the few of those that has totally and completely captivated me. I've spent the last three days digging through past posts and am quite impressed. Keep up the good work. I'll keep coming back and sending LOTS of happy thoughts your way for the right one to find you.

    Reply

  9. M says

    Melissa I really feel for you but do you think it's possible you may be projecting somewhat and creating a self fulfilling prophecy?

    Attraction can and often does start with appearance but often it develops from personality, interaction, that little thing people call "chemistry." Looks falls by the wayside and perception of looks change as personalities shine through and connections develop. (You know how someone attractice starts looking unattractive if their personality is ugly and you can't imagine how you ever found them attractive, and vice versa?)

    I feel the same way as you in that I hate hiding my feelings, and I feel strongly compelled to be open and honest. I just wonder how much of your own insecurities you might project onto others and as a reslut create a scenario where what you fear most and want least happens most.

    You know you have a lot to offer and the truth that I think most everyone knows or discovers eventually is people do NOT find and keep partners because of looks. Relationships are about connection and caring. They can develop over time even when there is not an initial physical (or other type of) attraction.

    My advice as someone with probably a decade on you (hope that doesn't seem condescending but my perspective has changed with my experiences in that time) is to stop seeing yourself as so separate and different. We all notice our flaws and differences but we all have commonality too and that is much stronger than what separates us from others. And your experience really doesn't sound all that unusual, except in the sense that you seem so extremely focused on it, maybe to the point of making it harder for yourself.

    You also don't know that people haven't ever yearned for you since often people don't reveal that kind of thing, especially if the other person does not show interest.

    Many of us, regardless of appearance, disability, ability, etc., didn't find love till later in life than we may have liked at the time. Why do you think love is one of those age old topics that troubles so many? It isn't just you, I promise, who isn't fulfilled with your experiences or struggles in this area. I guess all I'm trying to say here is I really don't think you are as different as you seem to view yourself as being. Enjoy the experience of getting to know people and caring about them without so much focus on the end result of finding a mate, and you might find that you not only enjoy yourself more but that you may find what you are hoping for as a result after all. I think the key is to focus on the relationship and connection with others not an end goal of finding a partner or being wanted.

    If I'm wrong or presuming too much about you/your experiences, please forgive, this is just based on what I've read here and my own experiences, I know that I don't know you and can't in any way know what you've experienced beyond the little I've read here.

    Reply

  10. M says

    p.s I read my comment and want to clarify that in that comment I am NOT implying anything about my view of your looks, only commenting upon your own statements that your disability is immediately visible and that it gets in the way of people seing the real you etc.

    I am not making a judgment on your looks in my previous comment at all, was afraid it wasn't clear.

    Reply

  17. Stacy says

    Hi Mel,

    I adore your honesty and openness.

    As someone also on the lookout for love, I'd like to share one of my fav quotes:

    “The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.” — Maulana Jalalu’ddin Rumi

    Keep sharing … I'll keep reading 🙂

    Reply

  18. The Clothes Horse says

    I hope it happens for you one day. For myself: I'm 22 and I've never dated…never been on a date and never been kissed. I really don't get why some people click with the opposite sex and others don't…
    I'd like to feel wanted as well, but mostly I tell myself "I'd rather have one man in his right mind than half a dozen out of their minds." Ultimately it just takes one…

    Reply

  19. Karlette says

    Melissa,

    I love your blog this is the third day I have come back & hope to ever so often. I like it so much Im going to put it on my favourites list. I love the free flow of thoughts that you pen (type more like it) makes it seem like you are sitting in front of me and having a conversation.

    Just to let you know you make me happy & you are a beautiful person.

    Big Hug,

    Karlette

    Reply

  20. vicky says

    Hi, i could feel what you're feeling about "The One" — it may take a little longer but it will happen.

    Just like you, i am also on that path of "The One" – though i have not search, i believe it will come when it wants to come… have a great day 🙂

    Reply

  24. RCaitlin says

    Hey! Saw your blog on "blogs of note." Your blog is just beautiful. I have to say being desired by the opposite sex physically is not all it's cracked up to be. Sure it's a nice rush…but after awhile you realize that those guys really don't want YOU for who YOU are. So you're not missing much! I've finally found a guy who does love me for me, but sometimes I worry that maybe he's just with me because he desires me physically. When you find that special person you will be blessed enough to know that they want you just for you and you will never have to wonder. Good luck!

    Reply

  26. Melissa says

    JUSTIN!!! I missed you! I was a blog of note last Friday and they kept me on the main page over the weekend!

    I was actually just going to recommend your blog to blogger for a blog of note now! 🙂

    Reply

  27. min says

    haha, i love the title 'french connection'. here's a little girl from little germany,let me be your connection from there! lovelylovelylovely blog.
    i'll be around again soon,min.

    Reply

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