Editor’s Note: So yeah, I know I posted this before, but I saw said person a few weeks ago and thought I needed to remind myself about everything that happened. For those who were fortunate enough not to have to sit through my tale of woe the first time around, read all about it here.
Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are:
Wow, I can’t believe it. I really can’t. So this is how it ends, how the curtains close on my little play? I have to say, I’m rather quite disappointed in all of this. It didn’t have to go down like this. And yet, in some way, I suppose I’m not that surprised either.
Last week, I posted a serious question on Facebook (well, at least I thought it was a serious question):
WHY IS A WOMAN’S PHYSICAL DISABILITY SUCH A DEAL BREAKER FOR ANY POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIP?
I expected the usual answers: the fear of the unknown, the intimidation factor. And I did get those answers. I can fully understand those reasons, which why I started my blog – to at least begin the process of erasing some of those societal fears.
But what I didn’t expect was this reply I got from you.
I expected at least a bit of reassurance, but instead, I got this:
Dear friends, roissy.wordpress.com explains all. He cuts through polite society with a scimitar of analysis based on the animal instinct which guides human behavior.
Curious, I clicked over to this Roissy blog, and quite frankly, I’m sorry that I did. If there was ever a site so blatantly insulting, so obviously chauvinistic, this guy wins the prize.
I’m sure you’re probably thinking you somehow saved my life by alerting me to this Bible. How could I live without knowing that a cheating woman is worse than a cheating man? Or how could I live one more day without knowing that thin girls still win the dating race?
Now, I assume you reacted this way for one of two reasons:
1. You actually believe this smut.
2. You feel the need to insult me because of lingering resentment or uncomfortable feelings you still have since you discovered my feelings for you. A sort of cover-up, perhaps? A defense mechanism?
Or maybe it’s a combination of the two. Either way, the reason doesn’t really matter now anyway.
You also defend the site, saying that the author “is dead on in exposing the motivations of people. Beware of the reptilian brain and how it influences male behavior.” Well, sir, I’m sorry you haven’t evolved to a higher status than that of a reptile.
And when you say that his blog “cuts through the polite society”, this is really what you’re saying: This blog does a good job of marginalizing “your people,” maybe even putting them in the respective “place” in society?
Thank you for letting me know that I’m basically the runt of the women litter. Thank you for letting me know that my disability has basically given me an all-access pass, expiration-date NEVER to the world of Spinsterhood. Thank you, too, for letting me know that the motives of most men are to send those of us with any sort of disability back to the jungle to live out the rest of our days with our own kind. I bet this tactic works wonders with the other women in your life; Did Mr. Darwin teach you that dating trick?
Maybe you haven’t received the memo, but we humans have indeed evolved. I thought we were at least above living by the survival-of-the-fittest/looking-for-the-strongest-animal-with-which-to-mate mentality. I guess not all of us are that evolved after all.
What sort of person directs a woman – a woman who you know has struggled with coming to terms with her disability – to a site that idealizes everything she’s not? How cold and heartless do you have to be?
Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but – and I’m sorry for ripping off a line from a classic movie – no one puts me in a corner.
OK, so I know we never actually dated, but whether you knew it or not, you held a very large piece of my heart for a very long time. And you know what? I actually thought you’d be different. I thought you of all people would somehow be one step above the smut found on that blog. I used to think your textbook-speak in real life was the sexiest thing in the world. Now, it’s not so hot. It’s irritating. It’s annoying.
And this…
“I think thin is a cultural fad that has moved away from an aesthetic that was more in tune with the gestalt of female attractiveness intuitively understood in mid-20th century America.”
Who, besides some 80-year-old expert on a History Channel special, talks like that?
You should know that consistently taking a scientific approach to people’s very real, very serious and very emotional (ooops, there’s that word emotional again….) feelings isn’t going to get you through life. Well, it might, but I promise it will be a very, very lonely life indeed.
I’m sorry you’re unable to be in tune with your emotions or, I don’t know, pick up on the emotional cues of others.
As it turns out, I was actually probably more in love with the fantasy and idea of you more than, well, you. I’d built you up in my head to be all these things, and I guess it’s not really your fault you never really delivered on any of them.
For years, I wanted to get to know the real you, and I yearned for the days when you would know the real me. Well, now those ideals don’t look too appealing after all.
In the end, I suppose it’s your loss. Really. We could have been incredibly hot together, sparks flying everywhere, but now I guess we’ll never know, will we?
But I know I must look on the bright side. It’s good we discovered our differences now before we’re in the aisles of Bed, Bath and Beyond, picking out China patterns, when you announce: Oh, by the way, I believe in the sheer animalistic tendencies of humans. And I love that pattern on those plates.”
You were my first love and my first “break-up” letter. There’s something strangely poetic in that, don’t you think?
I’m sorry if this is too honest for you. Maybe there’s a section on that blog that speaks about honest women. Oh, there’s not? Ooops. I’m sorry.
That’s really all that’s left to say. I just thought you should know that there is a subtext behind what people say, and that sometimes, it’s the words you don’t say that hurt the most.
xoxo,
P.S. Just so you know, the way to a girl’s heart is not by telling her she’s basically the runt. Maybe that little nugget of advice will help you in your next romantic endeavor – or should I say, your next scientific interaction with the opposite sex.
[Photo via We Heart It]
An Update and a Favor.
Michelle says
How ridiculous. I can't believe there are people who feel they can scientifically justify their shallow choices.
Sure, you can date someone because you like their looks, but you certainly cannot build a relationship based on that. There needs to be more and, apparently, that knowledge is just what that boy is lacking.
Pr1ncessRae says
HI-FIVE Melissa!
Meandu says
This was such an interesting blog I will bookmark it so I can come back again.
Olivia says
Sometimes people just deserved to be punched in the face, the man who mentioned the blog and the one who wrote it. I'm sorry you had to waste a single second of your life reading it, I know I'm sorry I wasted mine.
Melissa Blake says
thanks — i could feel my resistence weaken when i saw his hotness last week, came home, re-read this post and said "oh, THAT'S why i need to get over him!"
xoxo
S Clark says
The trouble is that when you ask for advice or comments you may get some that are unpleasant but true. Like I said, you and polite society reject the truth that both men and women are looking for physical attractiveness. The blogosphere is full of women who do not like the hand which they were dealt. Each person is limited by their looks because there are some people who do not find them attractive and will not give them a chance to make an impression. This reduces their pool of romantic prospects for right or wrong. Location also reduces this pool; when you live in a thinly populated area there are fewer people with whom you can mingle and look for that special someone. Lamentable as it may be the sooner that anyone embraces this reality, the sooner they can come to a satisfactory conclusion within their limitations. From my own experience I give you this placed in context. I am a fat man. I don't blame people for not finding my obese physique attractive. I can hit the gym, push away from the table, and slim down to a weight which more women find sexy in order to have a chance with more attractive women who can be more picky. Or I can accept my limitations and look to meet women who for their own reasons–including but not limited to being fatter or less pretty than their peers–are willing to accept my corpulence. People can call me names and call me shallow but I know what is really going on. Go on Facebook and look at your friends and their partners. Tell me that assortative mating is not going on. This is just the reality of our current social scene in America. Everyone out there has choices to find satisfaction in romance, they just don't have the choices that they would like.
Faux Trixie says
I'm curious to see how THIS unfolds.
Melissa Blake says
Faux Trixie….shhhhhh!!!
S Clark — Oh, what am I going to do with you?? Hmm, perhaps we need to refresh your memory on the entire reason I was offended by the blog you directed me to. My ENTIRE point is that there is more to attractiveness than physical appearance. trust me. And contrary to what you think, the majority of people will agree with me. Everything from the way someone converses with you in a kind manner to just the way someone looks at you can be incredibly sexy. It has nothing to do with how you look — not in the relationships that really count for something and can last a lifetime.
And FYI, your theory about accepting your limitations is, well, frankly, quite short-sighted. There is a difference between knowing your limitations and then in the end, not giving a damn about them and not letting them stop you. And as far as you calling yourself, fat, that's just self-defeating. From the moment we met years ago, I thought you were the hottest thing ever. But what I don't appreciate is being treated as a scientific experiment or theory rather than a person.
Damsels says
🙁 melissa.
i hate hate hate guys who talk like that i so i get what you are getting at and are coming from .
having known and actually i still know a guy who talks to me like that.
its rather annoying and its just a facade i believe. they jut want to seem detached by talking about everything as though they were above it or embracing something. its all BS
i never buy into it. i can sniff it out from anywhere even from a mildly intelligent man with an over the top ego.
(oops look at me ranting)
i will tell you one thing (crushboy and melissa)
it is so shortsigghted as you said and self defeating i think i read as well to say you are going to try for someone in your league . inwhat you consider your league.
for ex.
i date a guy who has been called by everyone even my friends very ugly.
indeed he is not physically attractive and fat. ( not obese but fat def.)
and now im not saying i am miss america but i am rather easy on the eyes i believe.
all of this said . nothing and i mean nothing stopped me from falling in love with the guy . Sorry that i am "emotional " as well. but i do believe that no matter what if aperson was meant to love someone then they were always going to love them no matter what. but i dont want to get into the notion of fate or what have you .
all i am saying is that , i am not looking for the "fittest" just someone who getsme who makes me laugh . who is sweet. all of this.
i agree also that he was making a rather pathetic attempt to slight you in some way.
boo to that . you will find someone who loves you . and dont set your sight low or high. just fall for whoever has what you want ina person . but of course on the inside.
its pretty sad but so many people who go thru life setting limits on who they can and cant date are just missing out . to me everyone has a chance at loving me . everyone has a chance at having myheart
again sorry about the typos 🙁
The Girl in the Orange Background says
I went to this guy's blog and posted a 'nice' little comment on one of his posts. Just ignore the facts these losers exist 🙂
S Clark says
No one has taken even one attempt to address the validity of my thesis. If anyone is trying to look at why people are not realizing a wonderful love relationship they need to face facts about how men behave. It is not egalitarian, it is not fair, but it is the sad truth. Take a look at the men with the most choice of women to meet. Look at who they pick. This is not an isolated fluke. Look at male celebrities. Who are they with? They choose a pretty attractive lot of women with whom to become romantically entangled. Scaling this principle down to an everyday level away from the outliers does not mean that it goes away. This excoriation does not even address the fundamental decency of my offer which–still–stands. If this blogger or any of you comment posters send me an email in which you reveal that you have a crush on me I will respond, 'hey we should probably hang out then.' (If you had the courage to try to set up a face to face interaction resembling a date I would dignify your courage with a yes answer.) From your communication I will infer that you explicitly or implicitly are telling me that you would like to act on your feelings. We will then spend some time together where you can see if the real deal is at all like what you idealized. In turn, I will look for those good and bad things that men look for in a woman.
Faux Trixie says
I'm going to have to stick up for Mr. S. Clark here. He's not saying that HE'S like that. He's saying men, in general, are like that. To a certain extent, so are women. I mean, really, even you, Melissa, have to admit that you like good looking men (Man Candy Monday?). There's nothing wrong with that. It's in us human beings, thanks to years and years of evolution. Certain traits are typically just more desirable. For instance, we, as women, are drawn to men who are fit/in shape/muscle-y because something in us tells those men can do more shit (lift/hunt/etc.). Men like woman with large breasts because, due to long, long years of breeding, it is engrained in them that women with big breasts can feed more babies.
Does it suck sometimes? Sure it does. It sucks for everyone. There isn't a woman out there who hasn't dieted or experimented with make up or bought an outfit to accentuate their figures. There isn't a man alive who hasn't been self conscious about their looks in some way. It's the way of the world. I don't think Mr. Clark should be chastized for pointing that out. Unfortunately, it's a reality and we shouldn't chastize him personally because he pointed that out.
There is more to a relationship than physical attraction; however, I can pretty much say with certainty that, in the dating world, if there isn't some kind of physical attraction, it's not going to work, especially right away. That's the nature of the beast. Yes, we could all have the perfect world where looks didn't matter, but they do. I think that's all he was trying to say.
Melissa Blake says
Right, it's not fair. Yes, physical attractiveness may be the foundation of the first connection, but S. Clark seems to think it all stops there, as if he won't even give a woman a second look if she isn't up to his (or any man can apply in this example) of beauty. Looks will only get you so far, obviously.
S Clark says
The blogger again misreads my comments. I have never said that I have any threshold and that I do not accept advances from anyone below a line in the sand. Read my last comment and see that anyone is welcomed to make the move so long as they are willing to follow through with the date. What I do not like is the idea that I should have to do the asking when someone else is taking the first move.
Melissa Blake says
Oh, S. Clark. I'm not saying you should do the asking; I think you've misread my comment as well. All I'm saying is don't make me feel like an idiot and give me all the science speak…not very attractive. At all.
Erin says
I think you are being too hard on S Clark. I don't think he's trying to make you look like an idiot at all, just trying to give his opinion on society that no one can deny is true.
World Financial Group Company says
The blogosphere is full of women who do not like the hand which they were dealt. Each person is limited by their looks because there are some people who do not find them attractive and will not give them a chance to make an impression.