SUNDAY Column: Going…Going…Gone?

Editor’s Note: This is the first of a two-part series taking one last glimpse at the beautiful items disappearing from our great nation, as described at www.walletpop.com. We will all mourn together.

They say nothing lasts forever. Something could be here today and swiftly gone tomorrow, leaving us with only a hint of its greatness and a nagging void that the happy memories can’t fill.

What’s even sadder is that, apparently, this is happening to our great nation. Everything is shifting, “from honey bees to checks to bowling alleys to incandescent light bulbs,” according to the blog, WalletPop. And, as the list would lead us to believe, the countdown to nothingness is like an auction: things are going … going … going … gone. Forever.

Like sand through the hourglass, these are the touchstones of our lives. Better live ’em up while you can because once these babies hit eBay, the mark-up price (because they’ll be collectibles, of course) will be outrageous.

It is indeed a sad day for America. Well, regarding most items on the list. I’ll let you be the ultimate judge.

MORE JUICE AFTER THE JUMP…

xoxo,
Mel

No. 25: Pit Toilets
By 2000, we’d come a long way: The number of people who still relied on this form of disposal was down to 0.6 percent. I’m actually not sad to see this one go, though I do like to laugh at the large lines waiting to use such a contraption at fairs and carnivals. Just think, this could impact the carnival industry, putting our much-needed clowns out of work.

No. 24: The Yellow Pages
I actually feel sort of bad for the Yellow Pages. It wasn’t bad enough when the big, bad Internet came along and stole their thunder, but I thought there would always be a core group of people who flipped through the Yellow Pages faithfully. At least now I won’t have to mentally recite the alphabet to find what I’m looking for the next time I order a pizza.

No. 23: Classified Ads
No! For the love of everything that is holy about America, how will I find the perfect oversized used bed – sheets included – for such a low price? Even worse, how will people find jobs? I assume this will also coincide with a decline in the demand and purchase of red Sharpie markers. It’s a very, very slippery slope here, isn’t it?

No. 22: Movie Rental Stores
Apparently, Blockbusters are closing by the hundreds; there are only about 6,000 left worldwide. OK, I confess. I’m a big fan of Netflix, so I don’t technically remember the last time I stepped foot in a video store. But it makes me sad nonetheless. As a youngster, it was a big family tradition to walk to the video store in the summer and get a Slurpee on the way home.

No. 21: Dial-up Internet Access
One word: Amen. In the old days, it used to be that I could sort the laundry, clean the kitchen, make my lunch and still have time to paint my nails by the time the page loaded for that eBay auction. Half the time, I just lost the auction. I suspect a faster Internet will result in an even faster clearing out of my bank account.

No. 20: Phone Landlines
Nearly one in six homes is cell phone only. This is one I’ll never understand. I actually have a sort of unprovoked hatred toward people who rely solely on their cell phones. Are they too good to play the Get-Tangled-Up-In-The-Phone-Cord Game?

No. 19: Chesapeake Bay Blue Crabs
These little fighters have been fading away rapidly; in 2007, Maryland saw the lowest harvest (22 million pounds) since 1945. Now, I’ve never tried crabs, but just thinking of Sebastian from The Little Mermaid brings a tear to my eye.

No. 18: VCRs
Being averse to new technology, I’m proud to say I’ve smoothly made the transition, quite painlessly, actually, to DVR. It’s opened my world. The only downside to the disappearance of VCRs? We’ll now need to apply the slogan “Be kind, please rewind” to something else. Life, perhaps?

No. 17: Ash Trees
I first read that as ash trays and thought “Yeah, it took 40 years, but people are finally catching on to the whole “smoking can kill” bandwagon. Then I realized it actually was ash trees and I was a bit perplexed. Apparently, the evil bug – yes, the beetle – got a free ride to America from Eastern Asia by way of this beautiful tree. And now these little bugs are destroying the trees, which are disappearing all along the skyline of the Midwest. By my logic, that makes them immigrants; what will the government do?

No. 16: Ham radios
I’ve never owned one nor have I ever known anyone who tried to make personal connections or find aliens in the galaxy by using one. Looks like e-mail and Match.com killed another one.

No. 15: Swimming Hole
Ahh, who doesn’t remember the summer days of swimming in the nearby lake or lagoon? Now, thanks to “Keep Out” signs, those who operate said lakes are looking out for themselves (something frivolous about them fearing injuries and lawsuits) and are forcing us to seek pleasure elsewhere. But I ask: How can you keep us away from the beauty of America? That’s like telling a child he can’t sing the National Anthem on the Fourth of July because he might hurt his throat on the high notes. It’s completely un-American.

No. 14: Answering Machines
I suppose this coincides with the decline of landline phones. It’s sad that the next generation won’t be able to experience the frustration of trying desperately to think of a witty message AND be able to get it just right so they’re not interrupted by the BEEEEP.

What’s next … you’ll find out next week.